When times get tough

OK, it been a long old journey since the last entry. My Grandfather held on for a number of months before passing. Some good, some not so good. But it has given us all tome to say our part and make our peace. After all the progress, fighting back to health, something as simple as an infection caused then end. I think, from what I have been told, he had basically decided that it was his time. But it is never easy for those around to watch, even when we know that it will be a release in the end. And so Arthur Frank Samson, bon 25th April 1921, passed from this life on Easter Sunday, 24th April 2011 at 5:20pm - less than a day away from his 90th Birthday.

Since that time it has been difficult to say the least, supporting Dad and trying to keep myself on track as well. Work offers no chance of time away, when you have a business to run it comes to a standstill if you are not there. And so to the funeral, which was yesterday. Somehow the time in-between didn't really seem to count for much - it's easy to deny that something has happened when you are occupied with other things and you are away from it. Suddenly being confronted with it all again means that it is inescapable. It's not the first time that I've been in a funeral car but it doesn't make it any easier. Every passer by looking at you, probably thinking 'poor sod, I'm glad that isn't me!'

And then the service and the committal for cremation. Suddenly it all comes back. What were photos of happy memories at the gathering before hand suddenly morph into proof of what has been lost. But with the Lord it is never lost, merely no longer with us on earth.

Right now that is barely a consolation. Despite the fact that I know he will be seated at the Lords table in the glory of Heaven, the fact that he is lost to those who loved him here on earth is none the less painful.

Over the last few days, I have found out more about him in death than I have in the 31 odd years that I knew him when he was alive. things he did, what he stood for, the utter respect that he was held in. And it makes me realise just how little I have achieved, how little respect I have earned and what little I would leave behind me if I were to be called tomorrow. This is a man who, by all accounts, many traveled the length of the country to pay their respects to; a man who put so much into enriching the life of others and who has left a legacy that so many will appreciate.

But it hurts so much. It hurts that I never got to know this side of him when he was alive. It hurts that he is no longer here. It hurts that this is the end of an era, that I now have no living grand parents. I feel the hurt of dad and my Uncle, they are having to deal with the estate as well as mourning their loss. I feel the hurt of my cousin - Lord knows, I would walk a mile on broken glass for her yet I cannot take away the pain.

I din't think that I would feel this much pain in his passing but I really feel like I have been cheated. Cheated of the opportunity to really get to know him. When he was a live, he never volunteered any of the information about what he had done in his earlier life. And somehow it didn't seem proper to ask - such was the humility of the man that, despite so many achievements that a man might feel proud of just one, he said so little of them.

I know that he is with the Lord, and one day, when he is ready, the Lord will call me home as well and we shall all be at his table, together, with all those who I love that have passed. Yet now, on this world, there is one less. And the world is poorer for it.

As it was a blessed release for him, it is a crushing loss for us. As God saved his soul from torment, so there are many of us down here that are placed into a torment that we must bear. Yet I would gladly bear this torment for his release.

My sadness will fade, and a celebration of his life and achievements will remain, yet his time at the Lords table shall be eternal.

It just seems to be affecting me in such a strange way. I am normally quite a chilled out person. thoughtful and someone who takes time to think about things. Impulsive at times when desires are strong, yet intelligent enough to be able to reason a judgement. Yet today I feel things that I cannot reconcile. I have anger within me, apathy the likes of which I cannot explain. I feel like raising my fist to it all and walking away. Grief, of a kind, can have many effects (so I'm told) yet these are things that I did not think that I would feel. Certainly the passing of other family members has manifested itself in other ways. But then I bottled those up and did not really release then until I was prompted to do so - it became like a type of self protection until it was safe to let go. Compared with then, now is a kind of safe place and time. What I do not have is the support network. Back then there was someone who I believe the Lord placed in front of me to make me confront my grief, to help me deal with it, grow stronger and move into the future. that person is now a million miles away and helping others who need it. I, on the other hand, do not appear to have anyone near me who can help. As much as I pray for the protection and help of others, I cannot help but feel tha, right now, there is no one here for me.

Father, I pray for all those whose life was touched by Arthur Frank Samson,

For their loss and that they shall see his light and know that he is in a better place.

Let sadness pass into joy for his being.

Let a sense of loss pass into gratitude for all that he has given.

Let us all rejoice in the happy memories that we all have with him.

I especially pray for Dad, Roger, Julia and Harriet.

Let them find the strength to move forward as time progresses,

And to find comfort in each other and for those around them.

Lord, if it is not too selfish, I pray for myself,

That there may be someone who comes forward in my life

To offer me the strength that I need right now.

I pray that I may know your love and strength once more.

that for all the distance I have travelled away from you,

May you show me a way back home.

I pray for the forgiveness of all I have done

And that you may see fit to bring me back to you.

This I ask

In Jesus Name

Amen.

Self indulgent new years musings

OK, so this is pretty much going to be what the title says. Its the new year and last year I accomplished some where between bugger all and chuff nothing! I can't say that I recall setting any new years resolutions last year - I probably did but can't remember them because I've failed dismally.

So why did I fail? Now there's a question. Most probably because I chose goals that were not really what I wanted, they probably didn't actually progress me further any in life and were probably all self centred and with little real gain at the end.

So what might make this year any different from the usual? What might make this blog entry any different from the millions of other pages of utter twaddle that will grace the blog sites over the next few days?

Well, I think its time to actually look at what is holding back in life, what I actually want (as opposed to what I tell people that I want.

Let's look at the bigger picture:

Job - I don't really care as long as I have one. OK so I keep going on about wanting more money and wanting a shot at the next level up, but frankly that doesn't really matter that much in all honesty. What that is really hiding is the fact that I dont want to be at home that much. And that's the real area to focus on.

Relationships - I'm still trying to cling on to the past, my one time of true happiness - and looking back at it now, I have to be honest and say that I wasn't truly happy. Just happier than I had been before. Yet still I cling to it like some kind of badge of honour, because it means that I don't have to admit that actually I am not happy being on my own. I wouldn't go so far so as to say that I am lonely - but I guess that's where working every hour that I can, takes over.

So then there's the whole relationship thing. And frankly I have to admit that the whole thing is pretty scary. I've either been with one person or single for so long that, whilst I know what I want from a relationship, I don't really have the experience to get it. And then there's the whole sex thing. I don't believe in sex before marriage, yet it seems that everyone these days is just out for carnal pleasures. So that makes the whole thing even harder - where to find a lady with morals in such a loose world.

Then there's me - I just don't see how anyone could find me physically attractive. A balding, overweight 31 year old. Ok, I have a very negative self body image - I always have had - but the truth remains, I'm not exactly a 'hunk'. Then there's also the 'other' thing. Every man in the world has a hang up about their equipment. I have very good reason to have mine. So there we are, we're down to the crux of it. I have a low self image and probably couldn't please a woman even if I managed to attract one in the first place.

But that also then means that I don't have the confidence to even think about talking to women. So it becomes a vicious circle. And that is what really makes me unhappy. I guess on top of that there is also the thought that I really want to have kids one day, an heir to the family name so to speak. - I don't even know if I can? I presume that I could. I mean, it might be small but it works. But it all adds to the insecurities.

So how on earth do I deal with all this? I cant exactly pray to God for a gastric band operation and an extra 3 inches! And how do I deal with my own insecurities that stem from the physicals?

I guess work seems an attractive prospect again because it is something that I can feel confident at and allows me to create a character that doesn't have to address these insecurities because they are not part of the role.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about any of this - what little family I have are next to useless with these things and certainly wouldn't understand some of the thoughts that go through my mind. I don't know who I'd talk to about it anyway. The friends that I have are used to the fake confidence that comes over at work. It would almost be easier to talk to a stranger that to someone I know - provided that I won't have to see tat stranger again when I'm pretending to be confident.

Some of it I can work out for myself - good ole fashioned self help!
The weight thing is a vicious circle. I was never born to be a stick thin person. Mum was a large person, as was her mother and it seems to be that side of the family that I take after. That said, it was exasperated by a couple of things. My parents never fought me on what went on my plate at dinner time. I asked for it and on it went, regardless. I wish they'd have had a bit more resilience to my demands.

But the I didn't help myself. - I never used to actually buy school dinner with the money that I was given. I chose to buy sweets on the way home from school instead - comfort eating after a day of being bullied at school (and that was practically every day) So it became a vicious circle of finding something to keep me away from the lunch hall at lunch time and in a 'safe' area. This was usually the library or the music rooms - after all, when was the last time you found the bully in the library or the performing arts department?!

But you cant evade forever, there's gaps between lessons, a 15 minute break in the afternoon that you cant go inside for and always the way home as well. So the food became a way of comforting myself. In the space of a day I'd go from famine to feast, no eating breakfast or lunch and then binging on the way home from school, then demanding larger portions at the evening meal. I have to say, I can't believe that my parents didn't realise what was going on. They would have to have been blind and had their heads stuck in the sand not notice something was up, even if it was only the rocketing weight gain. They certainly knew about the bullying, I was frequently coming home battered and bruised (literally) and the problems often followed me home too. They did sod all about it, frankly, and sent me back in to face another kicking day after day. Like a sucker I went and took it. OK I had a good education, but at what price? It created the problems that I have now.

Again, by the time it got to the shower room in PE, it was pretty obvious that I wasn't ever going to make it as a porn star, but twice a week I had to suffer the WORST physical and mental bullying that it is possible to imaging. Partly based around my physical size (fat wise) and also based around it's physical size (or lack thereof). Looking back at it now, some of it would class as physical assault by law and worse still, some of it would class as sexual assault I'm sure. So my parents sent me in to this daily, and the school refused to admit that they had a bullying issue so did nothing about it either.

So I have issues from this that affect my relationships, I also have major issues with showering and getting naked to bathe. I do - I have to, I cant just stink! But even in my own home, with no one else around, it is difficult and I find myself trying to make excuses and find things to do other than jump in the shower.

So somehow, I need to get this back on track to new years stuff again... I guess what I need to do for a new years resolution is to find a way of geeing my mind free of all these hang ups.

I believe I can loose weight, I believe I can have a more positive self image and I believe that I can get a bit more confident about my physical issues.

But before I even try, I need to deal with the issues that are in my head. I have no idea where to get help or even how to ask for it. I guess that it may involve some kind of therapy but I cant afford it. I doubt that you can get you head sorted out on the NHS!

Such a mess to unravel and only a year to make a serious headway!

Big people try to make you feel little.

Why is it that people who perceive themselves as 'bigger' than you seek to put you down and make them selves feel better by making you feel bad? How is it that one sentence from one person who does not care can undo all your motivation and remove all your good will towards people?

I have to be careful what I say here as I have a feeling that the person concerned my well read this. And after all, plausible deniability is the best policy.

All I will say is that someone who I ha e encountered today, who would do well to remember exactly how much I do for them and how much crap I take from them, has managed to kill off all my good feeling and good will towards them in one fell swoop. Not sure what I did to deserve it, and I'm probably blowing it up out of all proportions - Tomorrow will be a new day and a good nights smell is a great healer, but right now I feel really low and pretty worthless. There's been a few things niggling at me and this has sort of rolled them all together and brought them home at once. I kind of feel like everything is building up to a change point.

What the change will be I don't know, it just feels like a head of steam is building ip in me and needs to vent out on something.

Anyway, that's me done speaking my brains for the night.

God Bless

Its all so confusing...

Ok, so against the background of an absolutely manic week at work, I went out for a few drinks with friends on Saturday night to mark the closing of one of my previous employers in the town I work in. This is where the confusion comes in.

There was someone there who, if I am being honest, I have always had a little bit of a crush on. Not like anything major but just sort of fancying them in the background and sort of caring bout them a little more than I would have if they were just a friend. I never thought that there could b anything between us for a number of reasons, first off there's the age thing - there's 9 years between us. And that is a lot. I'm a firm believer that age does not make a difference, after all there were more than 9 years between Mum and Dad and that relationship lasted to the end. But it also brought it's fair share of problems.

The other thing that always made me ignore anything that came into my head sounds a terrible ting to say or think... That was, that this particular person came from a family with a lot of issues, her younger brother has spent most of his life in and out of custody for various reasons and the rest of the family seems somewhat dysfunctional and out of the norm. That is a terribly judgemental thing to say, especially on the light of my own family being somewhat fragmented in places... The thing is though, if you are familiar with the stories of either Pygmalion or My Fair Lady, they offer the learning that you cannot the someone from the lower classes and pass them off as someone from the upper classes.

So now I sound elitist as well. This isn't going too good... The thing is though, they wouldn't be happy on the world in which I live. No matter how much I try to deny it, I am upper 'middle class' - I have a degree, work in management and come from an affluent middle class background. As the saying says, 'you cant polish a turd'.

So I think that it would be doomed form the start, plus my family may well be unaccepting anyway.

Finally, there's the big issue that she is a smoker. I have always HATED smoking with a deep seated, fiery passion but ever since Mum dies of lung cancer, I have always sworn that I would never date / get in a relationship with someone who smoked. It sounds like a petty thing but, besides the whole 'kissing an ashtray' thing I just couldn't cope with falling for someone, only for their own stupidity to separate us again.

So, anyways... there's all of this going on in my head and the just to add a little more into the mix, when we are all out for a drink, she starts flirting with me... A little at first, asking me to come and sit next to her. Then rubbing my leg and using little moments to make contact - hand on leg or brushing hands, etc. Then, when we went out separate ways for the evening, she slapped me on the bum. I know that she's had a couple of drinks and that may have been an influential factor, but at the same time I know that a few drinks simply removes my inhibitions to talk to the people that I like, rather than changing WHO I like.

The thing is, I'm seriously confused... ...I mean, I'm comfortable with who I am as a person, but I can also appreciate that I am not exactly what would be classed as 'beef cake'. And this lady is thin, blonde and attractive - well out of my league... ... but some how I am feeling like I am being drawn in. I feel like maybe I'm on the edge of wanting to explore.

And then there's the alternative explanation that he doesn't like me at all and it was simply the alcohol talking... ... It's all so confusing. I'm always first to be asked hen it comes to other peoples relationships yet when it comes to my own affairs of the heart I can barely get my own head straight.

Father, what is your will here?

Is this someone who I can be happy with?

If so, how?

Please guide me and help to clear my own mind

to focus on your will.

There's a lot of mess in my head that needs to be cleared up

before I can really enter into a relationship again

But maybe it is time to ask to be healed,

rather than to continue with self indulgence and denial of the problem.

Please guide me in your light

In Jesus name

Amen

I really hope that things are maybe getting back to an even keel. There's been too much stuff going on over the last few weeks for me to be able to barely catch my breath! All the stuff over my Granddad is, at last, seemingly under control. I went up to see the whole family for a mean on the 25th and, although he look frail, he seems determined to get back on his feet again. I don't think he will ever get quite back to the fitness that he had previously, I guess there's been just too much water under the bridge between then and now.

Then there's my own problems. I just seems like I've been tested a fair bit recently. Pretty much everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. From the car costing far more to get serviced than I had bargained for through to having a tyre blow out on the way to work a couple of weeks ago. After that, the washing machine decided that it was going to leak its contents all over the utility room floor. Just to top it all off, I've just had to pay car MOT, tax and insurance. It's all on the credit card right now, how on earth I am going to be able to clear it off again is beyond me right now.

The fact that the car passed the MOT without needing anything else putting right is, I hope, the beginning of things starting to go right. (Famous last words?)

Its strange how life seems to come in circles like this. I mean, how finances are plentiful at one moment and then money is so hard to find the next moment. Then, how things seem to go wrong all at the same time. I don't believe in astrology - it's a devils science - but what explanation can there be for why God seems to group together occasions of good and bad fortune? I cant explain it but I'd love to know.

So tonight I am going to be a little self indulgent, hopefully not too much so.

Father, even though I am sure that I should be spending this time

Praying and focusing on help for other people.

I am tonight, saying a pryer for myself.

Through all that I have bourn the brunt of over the last few weeks,

I ask a little respite in order to clear up that which is left over.

I have debts to pay, tasks to complete and energy to regain.

I pray that your grace will allow me the time and space to tie up everything and move forward.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen

Away from public healthcare and things get better.

I think that it is a damning indictment of the public health system when as soon as someone goes private, they get the treatment that they need and immediately begin to show signs of getting better.

In sheer frustration at the appalling after care being offered by the John Radcliffe Hospital, we have moved my Granddad to a private hospital. I don't particularly agree with private healthcare, after all that's partly what I pay taxes for - not to have to pay again when healthcare is needed. And god knows my Granddad has paid more than enough tax in his time! Yet, within 24 hours of moving him, he is now eating and starting to show improvement.

So what is the miracle cure that suddenly achieves this? TIME. plain and simple. The staff in his new hospital are in sufficiently high numbers that they do not have to rush around manically, they can take the time to make sure that he is eating. He got to see a physiotherapist within the first day, something that took 4 days in the JR! Also, the staff at the new hospital are capable of understanding and communicating with him because the standard of English is that much better. There are still plenty of overseas staff working there but the standard is so much higher. One member of the staff at the JR couldn't even speak enough english to get his name right and hold a basic conversation about the level of discomfort that he was in.

So is this a lifeline that I have been praying for? this is the important thing. I don't know what to think. I want to believe that things can get back to normal but it would be so cruel to pin everything on this only to fond that things don't work out.

Cautious optimism, I think, is perhaps the way to go. but thankful none the less.

Father, thank you for everything that you have done

for my Granddad so far.

Please do not desert him now.

Please be with Dad and Roger, Julia and Harriet

as they o what they can to look after him.

Amen

Things Aren't Getting Any Better

So a few days further down the line and what once looked like the strong beginning of my Granddads recovery is now looking like it may just be playing for time. I have to say that he looks to be slipping down hill pretty fast and, whilst I know that family and friends are making every effort possible, that is more than I can say for the hospital that he is at.

I will name and shame without compunction; The John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford, may be one of the best hospitals in the country for clinical excellence but the nursing standards on the wards are diabolical. They do not make sure the patients eat - and if they do not they take no action. The level of care is poor, slow and at best, reactionary. There are very few nurses, and even fewer that speak English to a decent standard. Hygiene is questionable - on the occasions that I have been visiting, there have been nurses and doctors doing the rounds. Despite them all carrying hand gel with them, I haven't once seen any of them use it, even after directly treating patients with infections. There seems to be absolutely no will to treat patients as human beings with the need to interact with those around them, they simply view them as beds to be freed up and numbers to be pushed around on paper.

So that said and done, this is not helping - or asking for help - for a resolution to the situation. this all seems such a mess and the outcome does not look too rosy right now. I am sacred that we are loosing him, little by little. And the process for getting it sorted out and him into a private specialist hospital is so slow that the fear is that it may be too far down the slippery slope to begin a way back.

One thing that I do know - there's no way that I want to get old. I hope more than I can express, that I am called home before I reach old age.

Lord, I dont know where this is all going,

I don't even know what I should be praying for any more.

At what point is it wrong to pray for someone to live,

Simply because you do not want them to die?

Regardless of the suffering that they may be in.

Is there a way back from here?

All I know is that if there is a way back,

It is only with your strength that I can be done.

So once again, I pray for the survival and recovery

Of Arthur Frank Samson

and for your strength and love on all the rest of the family

who are trying to rally round.

I pray in Jesus name

Amen