In Jesus Name

When times get tough

2011-05-10T20:37:00.003+01:00

OK, it been a long old journey since the last entry. My Grandfather held on for a number of months before passing. Some good, some not so good. But it has given us all tome to say our part and make our peace. After all the progress, fighting back to health, something as simple as an infection caused then end. I think, from what I have been told, he had basically decided that it was his time. But it is never easy for those around to watch, even when we know that it will be a release in the end. And so Arthur Frank Samson, bon 25th April 1921, passed from this life on Easter Sunday, 24th April 2011 at 5:20pm - less than a day away from his 90th Birthday.

Since that time it has been difficult to say the least, supporting Dad and trying to keep myself on track as well. Work offers no chance of time away, when you have a business to run it comes to a standstill if you are not there. And so to the funeral, which was yesterday. Somehow the time in-between didn't really seem to count for much - it's easy to deny that something has happened when you are occupied with other things and you are away from it. Suddenly being confronted with it all again means that it is inescapable. It's not the first time that I've been in a funeral car but it doesn't make it any easier. Every passer by looking at you, probably thinking 'poor sod, I'm glad that isn't me!'

And then the service and the committal for cremation. Suddenly it all comes back. What were photos of happy memories at the gathering before hand suddenly morph into proof of what has been lost. But with the Lord it is never lost, merely no longer with us on earth.

Right now that is barely a consolation. Despite the fact that I know he will be seated at the Lords table in the glory of Heaven, the fact that he is lost to those who loved him here on earth is none the less painful.

Over the last few days, I have found out more about him in death than I have in the 31 odd years that I knew him when he was alive. things he did, what he stood for, the utter respect that he was held in. And it makes me realise just how little I have achieved, how little respect I have earned and what little I would leave behind me if I were to be called tomorrow. This is a man who, by all accounts, many traveled the length of the country to pay their respects to; a man who put so much into enriching the life of others and who has left a legacy that so many will appreciate.

But it hurts so much. It hurts that I never got to know this side of him when he was alive. It hurts that he is no longer here. It hurts that this is the end of an era, that I now have no living grand parents. I feel the hurt of dad and my Uncle, they are having to deal with the estate as well as mourning their loss. I feel the hurt of my cousin - Lord knows, I would walk a mile on broken glass for her yet I cannot take away the pain.

I din't think that I would feel this much pain in his passing but I really feel like I have been cheated. Cheated of the opportunity to really get to know him. When he was a live, he never volunteered any of the information about what he had done in his earlier life. And somehow it didn't seem proper to ask - such was the humility of the man that, despite so many achievements that a man might feel proud of just one, he said so little of them.

I know that he is with the Lord, and one day, when he is ready, the Lord will call me home as well and we shall all be at his table, together, with all those who I love that have passed. Yet now, on this world, there is one less. And the world is poorer for it.

As it was a blessed release for him, it is a crushing loss for us. As God saved his soul from torment, so there are many of us down here that are placed into a torment that we must bear. Yet I would gladly bear this torment for his release.

My sadness will fade, and a celebration of his life and achievements will remain, yet his time at the Lords table shall be eternal.

It just seems to be affecting me in such a strange way. I am normally quite a chilled out person. thoughtful and someone who takes time to think about things. Impulsive at times when desires are strong, yet intelligent enough to be able to reason a judgement. Yet today I feel things that I cannot reconcile. I have anger within me, apathy the likes of which I cannot explain. I feel like raising my fist to it all and walking away. Grief, of a kind, can have many effects (so I'm told) yet these are things that I did not think that I would feel. Certainly the passing of other family members has manifested itself in other ways. But then I bottled those up and did not really release then until I was prompted to do so - it became like a type of self protection until it was safe to let go. Compared with then, now is a kind of safe place and time. What I do not have is the support network. Back then there was someone who I believe the Lord placed in front of me to make me confront my grief, to help me deal with it, grow stronger and move into the future. that person is now a million miles away and helping others who need it. I, on the other hand, do not appear to have anyone near me who can help. As much as I pray for the protection and help of others, I cannot help but feel tha, right now, there is no one here for me.

Father, I pray for all those whose life was touched by Arthur Frank Samson,

For their loss and that they shall see his light and know that he is in a better place.

Let sadness pass into joy for his being.

Let a sense of loss pass into gratitude for all that he has given.

Let us all rejoice in the happy memories that we all have with him.

I especially pray for Dad, Roger, Julia and Harriet.

Let them find the strength to move forward as time progresses,

And to find comfort in each other and for those around them.

Lord, if it is not too selfish, I pray for myself,

That there may be someone who comes forward in my life

To offer me the strength that I need right now.

I pray that I may know your love and strength once more.

that for all the distance I have travelled away from you,

May you show me a way back home.

I pray for the forgiveness of all I have done

And that you may see fit to bring me back to you.

This I ask

In Jesus Name

Amen.

Self indulgent new years musings

2011-01-03T19:33:00.004Z

OK, so this is pretty much going to be what the title says. Its the new year and last year I accomplished some where between bugger all and chuff nothing! I can't say that I recall setting any new years resolutions last year - I probably did but can't remember them because I've failed dismally.

So why did I fail? Now there's a question. Most probably because I chose goals that were not really what I wanted, they probably didn't actually progress me further any in life and were probably all self centred and with little real gain at the end.

So what might make this year any different from the usual? What might make this blog entry any different from the millions of other pages of utter twaddle that will grace the blog sites over the next few days?

Well, I think its time to actually look at what is holding back in life, what I actually want (as opposed to what I tell people that I want.

Let's look at the bigger picture:

Job - I don't really care as long as I have one. OK so I keep going on about wanting more money and wanting a shot at the next level up, but frankly that doesn't really matter that much in all honesty. What that is really hiding is the fact that I dont want to be at home that much. And that's the real area to focus on.

Relationships - I'm still trying to cling on to the past, my one time of true happiness - and looking back at it now, I have to be honest and say that I wasn't truly happy. Just happier than I had been before. Yet still I cling to it like some kind of badge of honour, because it means that I don't have to admit that actually I am not happy being on my own. I wouldn't go so far so as to say that I am lonely - but I guess that's where working every hour that I can, takes over.

So then there's the whole relationship thing. And frankly I have to admit that the whole thing is pretty scary. I've either been with one person or single for so long that, whilst I know what I want from a relationship, I don't really have the experience to get it. And then there's the whole sex thing. I don't believe in sex before marriage, yet it seems that everyone these days is just out for carnal pleasures. So that makes the whole thing even harder - where to find a lady with morals in such a loose world.

Then there's me - I just don't see how anyone could find me physically attractive. A balding, overweight 31 year old. Ok, I have a very negative self body image - I always have had - but the truth remains, I'm not exactly a 'hunk'. Then there's also the 'other' thing. Every man in the world has a hang up about their equipment. I have very good reason to have mine. So there we are, we're down to the crux of it. I have a low self image and probably couldn't please a woman even if I managed to attract one in the first place.

But that also then means that I don't have the confidence to even think about talking to women. So it becomes a vicious circle. And that is what really makes me unhappy. I guess on top of that there is also the thought that I really want to have kids one day, an heir to the family name so to speak. - I don't even know if I can? I presume that I could. I mean, it might be small but it works. But it all adds to the insecurities.

So how on earth do I deal with all this? I cant exactly pray to God for a gastric band operation and an extra 3 inches! And how do I deal with my own insecurities that stem from the physicals?

I guess work seems an attractive prospect again because it is something that I can feel confident at and allows me to create a character that doesn't have to address these insecurities because they are not part of the role.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about any of this - what little family I have are next to useless with these things and certainly wouldn't understand some of the thoughts that go through my mind. I don't know who I'd talk to about it anyway. The friends that I have are used to the fake confidence that comes over at work. It would almost be easier to talk to a stranger that to someone I know - provided that I won't have to see tat stranger again when I'm pretending to be confident.

Some of it I can work out for myself - good ole fashioned self help!
The weight thing is a vicious circle. I was never born to be a stick thin person. Mum was a large person, as was her mother and it seems to be that side of the family that I take after. That said, it was exasperated by a couple of things. My parents never fought me on what went on my plate at dinner time. I asked for it and on it went, regardless. I wish they'd have had a bit more resilience to my demands.

But the I didn't help myself. - I never used to actually buy school dinner with the money that I was given. I chose to buy sweets on the way home from school instead - comfort eating after a day of being bullied at school (and that was practically every day) So it became a vicious circle of finding something to keep me away from the lunch hall at lunch time and in a 'safe' area. This was usually the library or the music rooms - after all, when was the last time you found the bully in the library or the performing arts department?!

But you cant evade forever, there's gaps between lessons, a 15 minute break in the afternoon that you cant go inside for and always the way home as well. So the food became a way of comforting myself. In the space of a day I'd go from famine to feast, no eating breakfast or lunch and then binging on the way home from school, then demanding larger portions at the evening meal. I have to say, I can't believe that my parents didn't realise what was going on. They would have to have been blind and had their heads stuck in the sand not notice something was up, even if it was only the rocketing weight gain. They certainly knew about the bullying, I was frequently coming home battered and bruised (literally) and the problems often followed me home too. They did sod all about it, frankly, and sent me back in to face another kicking day after day. Like a sucker I went and took it. OK I had a good education, but at what price? It created the problems that I have now.

Again, by the time it got to the shower room in PE, it was pretty obvious that I wasn't ever going to make it as a porn star, but twice a week I had to suffer the WORST physical and mental bullying that it is possible to imaging. Partly based around my physical size (fat wise) and also based around it's physical size (or lack thereof). Looking back at it now, some of it would class as physical assault by law and worse still, some of it would class as sexual assault I'm sure. So my parents sent me in to this daily, and the school refused to admit that they had a bullying issue so did nothing about it either.

So I have issues from this that affect my relationships, I also have major issues with showering and getting naked to bathe. I do - I have to, I cant just stink! But even in my own home, with no one else around, it is difficult and I find myself trying to make excuses and find things to do other than jump in the shower.

So somehow, I need to get this back on track to new years stuff again... I guess what I need to do for a new years resolution is to find a way of geeing my mind free of all these hang ups.

I believe I can loose weight, I believe I can have a more positive self image and I believe that I can get a bit more confident about my physical issues.

But before I even try, I need to deal with the issues that are in my head. I have no idea where to get help or even how to ask for it. I guess that it may involve some kind of therapy but I cant afford it. I doubt that you can get you head sorted out on the NHS!

Such a mess to unravel and only a year to make a serious headway!

Big people try to make you feel little.

2010-08-07T21:22:00.003+01:00

Why is it that people who perceive themselves as 'bigger' than you seek to put you down and make them selves feel better by making you feel bad? How is it that one sentence from one person who does not care can undo all your motivation and remove all your good will towards people?

I have to be careful what I say here as I have a feeling that the person concerned my well read this. And after all, plausible deniability is the best policy.

All I will say is that someone who I ha e encountered today, who would do well to remember exactly how much I do for them and how much crap I take from them, has managed to kill off all my good feeling and good will towards them in one fell swoop. Not sure what I did to deserve it, and I'm probably blowing it up out of all proportions - Tomorrow will be a new day and a good nights smell is a great healer, but right now I feel really low and pretty worthless. There's been a few things niggling at me and this has sort of rolled them all together and brought them home at once. I kind of feel like everything is building up to a change point.

What the change will be I don't know, it just feels like a head of steam is building ip in me and needs to vent out on something.

Anyway, that's me done speaking my brains for the night.

God Bless

Its all so confusing...

2010-05-30T22:04:00.003+01:00

Ok, so against the background of an absolutely manic week at work, I went out for a few drinks with friends on Saturday night to mark the closing of one of my previous employers in the town I work in. This is where the confusion comes in.

There was someone there who, if I am being honest, I have always had a little bit of a crush on. Not like anything major but just sort of fancying them in the background and sort of caring bout them a little more than I would have if they were just a friend. I never thought that there could b anything between us for a number of reasons, first off there's the age thing - there's 9 years between us. And that is a lot. I'm a firm believer that age does not make a difference, after all there were more than 9 years between Mum and Dad and that relationship lasted to the end. But it also brought it's fair share of problems.

The other thing that always made me ignore anything that came into my head sounds a terrible ting to say or think... That was, that this particular person came from a family with a lot of issues, her younger brother has spent most of his life in and out of custody for various reasons and the rest of the family seems somewhat dysfunctional and out of the norm. That is a terribly judgemental thing to say, especially on the light of my own family being somewhat fragmented in places... The thing is though, if you are familiar with the stories of either Pygmalion or My Fair Lady, they offer the learning that you cannot the someone from the lower classes and pass them off as someone from the upper classes.

So now I sound elitist as well. This isn't going too good... The thing is though, they wouldn't be happy on the world in which I live. No matter how much I try to deny it, I am upper 'middle class' - I have a degree, work in management and come from an affluent middle class background. As the saying says, 'you cant polish a turd'.

So I think that it would be doomed form the start, plus my family may well be unaccepting anyway.

Finally, there's the big issue that she is a smoker. I have always HATED smoking with a deep seated, fiery passion but ever since Mum dies of lung cancer, I have always sworn that I would never date / get in a relationship with someone who smoked. It sounds like a petty thing but, besides the whole 'kissing an ashtray' thing I just couldn't cope with falling for someone, only for their own stupidity to separate us again.

So, anyways... there's all of this going on in my head and the just to add a little more into the mix, when we are all out for a drink, she starts flirting with me... A little at first, asking me to come and sit next to her. Then rubbing my leg and using little moments to make contact - hand on leg or brushing hands, etc. Then, when we went out separate ways for the evening, she slapped me on the bum. I know that she's had a couple of drinks and that may have been an influential factor, but at the same time I know that a few drinks simply removes my inhibitions to talk to the people that I like, rather than changing WHO I like.

The thing is, I'm seriously confused... ...I mean, I'm comfortable with who I am as a person, but I can also appreciate that I am not exactly what would be classed as 'beef cake'. And this lady is thin, blonde and attractive - well out of my league... ... but some how I am feeling like I am being drawn in. I feel like maybe I'm on the edge of wanting to explore.

And then there's the alternative explanation that he doesn't like me at all and it was simply the alcohol talking... ... It's all so confusing. I'm always first to be asked hen it comes to other peoples relationships yet when it comes to my own affairs of the heart I can barely get my own head straight.

Father, what is your will here?

Is this someone who I can be happy with?

If so, how?

Please guide me and help to clear my own mind

to focus on your will.

There's a lot of mess in my head that needs to be cleared up

before I can really enter into a relationship again

But maybe it is time to ask to be healed,

rather than to continue with self indulgence and denial of the problem.

Please guide me in your light

In Jesus name

Amen

2010-04-27T20:39:00.002+01:00

I really hope that things are maybe getting back to an even keel. There's been too much stuff going on over the last few weeks for me to be able to barely catch my breath! All the stuff over my Granddad is, at last, seemingly under control. I went up to see the whole family for a mean on the 25th and, although he look frail, he seems determined to get back on his feet again. I don't think he will ever get quite back to the fitness that he had previously, I guess there's been just too much water under the bridge between then and now.

Then there's my own problems. I just seems like I've been tested a fair bit recently. Pretty much everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. From the car costing far more to get serviced than I had bargained for through to having a tyre blow out on the way to work a couple of weeks ago. After that, the washing machine decided that it was going to leak its contents all over the utility room floor. Just to top it all off, I've just had to pay car MOT, tax and insurance. It's all on the credit card right now, how on earth I am going to be able to clear it off again is beyond me right now.

The fact that the car passed the MOT without needing anything else putting right is, I hope, the beginning of things starting to go right. (Famous last words?)

Its strange how life seems to come in circles like this. I mean, how finances are plentiful at one moment and then money is so hard to find the next moment. Then, how things seem to go wrong all at the same time. I don't believe in astrology - it's a devils science - but what explanation can there be for why God seems to group together occasions of good and bad fortune? I cant explain it but I'd love to know.

So tonight I am going to be a little self indulgent, hopefully not too much so.

Father, even though I am sure that I should be spending this time

Praying and focusing on help for other people.

I am tonight, saying a pryer for myself.

Through all that I have bourn the brunt of over the last few weeks,

I ask a little respite in order to clear up that which is left over.

I have debts to pay, tasks to complete and energy to regain.

I pray that your grace will allow me the time and space to tie up everything and move forward.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen

Away from public healthcare and things get better.

2010-03-25T20:27:00.002Z

I think that it is a damning indictment of the public health system when as soon as someone goes private, they get the treatment that they need and immediately begin to show signs of getting better.

In sheer frustration at the appalling after care being offered by the John Radcliffe Hospital, we have moved my Granddad to a private hospital. I don't particularly agree with private healthcare, after all that's partly what I pay taxes for - not to have to pay again when healthcare is needed. And god knows my Granddad has paid more than enough tax in his time! Yet, within 24 hours of moving him, he is now eating and starting to show improvement.

So what is the miracle cure that suddenly achieves this? TIME. plain and simple. The staff in his new hospital are in sufficiently high numbers that they do not have to rush around manically, they can take the time to make sure that he is eating. He got to see a physiotherapist within the first day, something that took 4 days in the JR! Also, the staff at the new hospital are capable of understanding and communicating with him because the standard of English is that much better. There are still plenty of overseas staff working there but the standard is so much higher. One member of the staff at the JR couldn't even speak enough english to get his name right and hold a basic conversation about the level of discomfort that he was in.

So is this a lifeline that I have been praying for? this is the important thing. I don't know what to think. I want to believe that things can get back to normal but it would be so cruel to pin everything on this only to fond that things don't work out.

Cautious optimism, I think, is perhaps the way to go. but thankful none the less.

Father, thank you for everything that you have done

for my Granddad so far.

Please do not desert him now.

Please be with Dad and Roger, Julia and Harriet

as they o what they can to look after him.

Amen

Things Aren't Getting Any Better

2010-03-22T20:59:00.002Z

So a few days further down the line and what once looked like the strong beginning of my Granddads recovery is now looking like it may just be playing for time. I have to say that he looks to be slipping down hill pretty fast and, whilst I know that family and friends are making every effort possible, that is more than I can say for the hospital that he is at.

I will name and shame without compunction; The John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford, may be one of the best hospitals in the country for clinical excellence but the nursing standards on the wards are diabolical. They do not make sure the patients eat - and if they do not they take no action. The level of care is poor, slow and at best, reactionary. There are very few nurses, and even fewer that speak English to a decent standard. Hygiene is questionable - on the occasions that I have been visiting, there have been nurses and doctors doing the rounds. Despite them all carrying hand gel with them, I haven't once seen any of them use it, even after directly treating patients with infections. There seems to be absolutely no will to treat patients as human beings with the need to interact with those around them, they simply view them as beds to be freed up and numbers to be pushed around on paper.

So that said and done, this is not helping - or asking for help - for a resolution to the situation. this all seems such a mess and the outcome does not look too rosy right now. I am sacred that we are loosing him, little by little. And the process for getting it sorted out and him into a private specialist hospital is so slow that the fear is that it may be too far down the slippery slope to begin a way back.

One thing that I do know - there's no way that I want to get old. I hope more than I can express, that I am called home before I reach old age.

Lord, I dont know where this is all going,

I don't even know what I should be praying for any more.

At what point is it wrong to pray for someone to live,

Simply because you do not want them to die?

Regardless of the suffering that they may be in.

Is there a way back from here?

All I know is that if there is a way back,

It is only with your strength that I can be done.

So once again, I pray for the survival and recovery

Of Arthur Frank Samson

and for your strength and love on all the rest of the family

who are trying to rally round.

I pray in Jesus name

Amen

Not out of the woods yet

2010-03-09T20:31:00.002Z

Well, I went up to Oxford last Friday and I have to say that actually, things were not as bad as I was expecting. That said, it was still a bit of a shock. I mean, my Granddad has been there all my life, never really seemed to get any older to me, and yet there he was, Smaller than I could have ever imagined, frailer than I have ever seen him before.

That said, the hospital seem to be quite positive that his condition may well be treatable. So to that extent at least, maybe and hopefully, someone is looking down and watching over him. He's got a lot of fight left in him yet so I just hope that everything works out OK and that he regains his mobility without any problems.

After I'd spent some time with him in Hospital, I got a text from my cousin as I was about to leave Oxford wanting to meet up. So I got to spend a bit of time with her and make sure that she is doing OK.

So I think that whilst I dont have an exact answer to my prayer for them just yet, I have been shown that they are doing OK and that they are being looked after in this world. God willing, that will continue and everything will have a positive outcome.

My prayers are still with Granddad and the hope for his healing. And my thanks and praise by to God for looking after him and my cousin through this time.

Time away, and the need to repent.

2010-03-03T20:54:00.003Z

OK, so it's been ages since I've been on here and written anything. that's not a good thing. In that time, if I am being honest, I have done nothing to spread the love of Christ in the world. I have not even managed to live a life that would be in line with what God would want me to do.

I have no excuse, other than my own weakness and focus on other things. Yet now I fond myself in the oh-so-familiar position of coming back to God at a time when I have so little to offer, so much to repent and yet I want to ask so much in return. i think we've all been there at some time or another, I know I have, and here I am again.

So what brings me back on here? Well, honestly I don't quite know, other than I don't really feel that I have anywhere else that I can instantly put some thoughts before God.

Right about now, there's a whole lotta family trouble going down and I need some help. My grandfather has been admitted to hospital for a major circulation problem in his leg and an infection in his foot. I don't know here this will go in the long run. I think that there is still a chance that he may be ok but the alternatives are numerous and seem to preclude the one positive outcome. He may end up having to have an amputation, me may need an operation on his leg to clear the blocked blood vessels. The possibilities are numerous but there's only really one outcome that has a positive ending.

My Granddad is coming up 89 years old and has both asthma and heart problems. Anything that involves a general anaesthetic is a risky bThe truth is that I am scared about the outcome of all this. I don't want to loose him. I know that God chooses when to call people home, but that doesn't mean that I can't not want it to happen. The other outcomes are almost worse. i mean, at 89, he's still basically mobile. Sure, he has a fairly short walking range and has some home help but he still drives a car and is determined to get out and about as much as he can. So if he ends up with some kind of amputation that is going to put an end to all that. I mean, he's still as alert mentally as I ever remember him being, so to completely loose that mobility and all the other implications of that, are seriously scary - and I'm not having to contemplate them happening to me!

I know that my cousin is feeling it too, and I worry for her as well, she hasn't always coped with life's troubles that well and the last thing that I want is for this to set back her progress. And then there's Dad, he's with my Granddad in hospital and kicking around his house when visiting hours are out. I mean, kicking around that empty house with only him in it - that's got to feel awful, I can only begin to imagine the emotions that are going through his head.

I can't get any time away from work until Friday but as soon as I can I'll be heading up to see them all. I'm just scared of what I'll find. Like, the worst case scenario, I don't want the last memory I have of my Granddad being in a hospital bed. And now I feel guilty for even writing that on here, I don't want the worst, I don't want him to suffer, I don't want him to loose his independence. And the worst thing is that I can't do anything about it.

I'm used to problems and set backs that can be figured out, solved by throwing resources at them or working harder. This can't. I can't materially affect the outcome with any resource that I have available to me. If I could, I'd do it without question but all I can do is pray...

Father, I always seem so quick to ask and to take

So slow to offer and to give.

Please forgive me.

It's not intentional, but I know I am weak.

Please, don't let this happen...

I pray for the health and healing of Arthur Frank Samson

And for those who are affected by his ill health.

Please, your compassion can deliver the only positive outcome

A God of mercy, a God of healing, a God of love.

I beg of you, show that mercy, healing and love.

What else can I say?

PLEASE HEAL HIM.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen

When is a fight 'The Good Fight?'

2009-08-11T20:35:00.004+01:00

The concept of a 'Just War' has been discussed throughout history and in many different ways. The basic principle is best described in, my view, by St. Augustine of Hippo (354 - 430AD) who describes 4 conditions for a just war to be met. They are;

1). The damage inflicted by the aggressor on the nation or community of nations must be lasting, grave and certain.

2). All other means of putting an end to the conflict must have been shown to be impractical or ineffective.

3). There must be serious prospects for success.

4). The use of arms must not produce evils or disorder greater than the evils or disorders that it seeks to depose.

So let's look at these in order;

(1) The damage caused by those who would stand against us, the worshipers of those false idols who believe that they are being commanded to start a Jihad is undeniable, what mad man flies a plane into a tower block, explode bombs on a train or believes that committing suicide in order to inflict damage on another? That is undeniable danger that is 'lasting, grave and certain'.

(2) The Christian nations of the world have tried to reason with these maniacal idiots for many years, yet all we get is more suffering and damage. The chances of negotiating with someone so brainwashed into worshiping a false idol that they are likely to kill themselves in such a false name is also ineffective. They will be condemned to Hell and they do not even see it.

(3) Serious prospects for success? Do we not defend the Lords name from such false prophets and false idols? Are we not prepared to fight to preserve our God from the attacks of others? Our enemies have crude, shambolic methods, basic means of attacking and rely on idiotic brainwashed subordinates who have a delusion that their actions will win them favor with their false prophets. By comparison, we have the best weapons, the most dedicated crusaders and believe in the One True God.

(4) War is never a good thing, turning the other cheek is fine up to a point. But when you have been hit on both cheeks, then there is little left to do. We face an enemy who is evil by the Devils own hand, who would stop at nothing to try and destroy all of Christianity in the name of their false prophets. It does not matter how hard we fight, what weapons we use, the evil that we raise to protect our God will never be on a par with what we face.

The result can only be one thing. We must fight, we must declare war on our enemies, on the Heathens who deny us, on any false 'religion' that would attack us.

Our message should be clear; Follow Christ and we will love you as our neighbor. Deny Christ and you will go to Hell. Battle Christ and we will stand and fight by any means necessary. We will not be beaten;

We Fight

In Jesus Name

Amen

The need for militant Christianity

2009-08-08T20:52:00.002+01:00

Turning the other cheek and loving thy neighbor is no longer enough.

Not when the other cheek will be met with violence proliferated by a madman worshiping a false idol. Not when your neighbor is an Islamic fundamentalist bent on killing you and the rest of the world.

We who believe in God and our Saviour Jesus Christ must stand and fight for our beliefs. Look at the sate of of Godless world right now;

This is your lot, the portion I have declared for you, declares the Lord. Because you have forgotten me and trusted in false gods (Jeremiah 13:25 NIV)

So what we have now is a direct result of tolerating those who worship false gods and use their 'faith' to try to persecute us. So what should we do? Should we turn the other cheek and simply let these primitive savages persecute us?

The Bible is pretty clear on this one...

Cursed is he who does the Lord's work remissly, cursed he who holds back his sword from blood (Jeremiah 48:10 NIV)

It would be too easy to say 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth' but the passage above is so much more than that. Yes, we should fight, we should draw our swords and fight for the one true God. We should prepare for battle and not be afraid of what is to come. But the real indication is in the first part, with the use of the word 'remissly'. We need to have a care for what the Lord wants, how he wants us to promote his love.

To lead by example is a start, to love thy neighbor is fine, in theory. But what if your neighbor believes their false god is telling them to kill you? Are they really going to listen as you tell them that they MUST stop and repent before it is too late?

The truth is that, as well as setting the example, we have to preach the message, tell those facing damnation that Christ can save them and be prepared to FIGHT for ourselves. To do the Lords work is fine, but we should be prepared to do it WELL, to the BEST of our ability.

So therefore, we should be prepared to be militant. Just as our enemies, the worshipers of false gods are prepared to be militant towards us, we should be prepared to fight back, to not be afraid of drawing our sword. Just as Christ won for us as place in Heaven, so we should win for him those who would stand against us.

Meet love with love

Meet war with war

Love your your neighbor as your neighbor loves you

After a month away from here...

2009-08-07T20:04:00.002+01:00

Ok, Last time I was getting all stressed out over moving house and trying to fond somewhere. Well, the reason for me going quiet is that I have found somewhere and moved in (maybe I'll post some photos on here in a few days). Because of moving I haven't had any web access for the last couple of weeks, partially thanks to British Telecom cocking up my broadband installation. But I'm on now. So I've been through the rough but some how, God has shown me a path and it feels pretty much like things are getting back on track with everything in my life.

Ironically enough though, just as God has been closer to me, I have been furthest from Him. I haven't had a Sunday off from work in months that I could use to go to church. I haven't been doing any entries on here for reasons above. Nor, if I am being honest, have I really been 'aware' of my Faith. There's just been so much going on around me that it's been pushed to the back. My own weakness really.

Father, I am sorry that I have not had

you in my heart and mind over the last few weeks.

Thank you for everything that you have done to bring me to this point in time

Where there is a degree of stability in my life again.

Please help me to explore what is around me

and to find a place in my new community

so that I can feel like I fit in.

So this is the end of the old and the beginning of the new

Please help me to move forward from here.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Silence is not always golden

2009-07-07T16:30:00.002+01:00

I've had a bit of a sabbatical from blogging for a couple of weeks. Not really intentionally, although I have been working every day for the last three weeks. Today is my first day off fro three weeks. And as soon as it's over, I;m going back in for another three week stint. The only thing that keeps me interested is that I need the money to move house.

I thin the real thing keeping me off here though, has been the lack of feeling like I have something to say. I guess I can now say that everything has worked into a pattern and a way forward. I won't say that it's all worked out for the best because I'm not so sure that it has. There's still a load of grief to deal with, the place I'm moving to is not really somewhere I want to live but I guess that I'm just going to have to deal with it. Work is still stressing me out a bit - I'm coming up to my 6 month probation and at this point they have the right to decide that they do not want me any more.

I think that the best thing is just not to make a big deal about it and see if I can let the date slip past without anything happening and then there's a different set of rules that they have to play by.

I'm still feeling a little bit fed up at the moment if I'm being honest. Things aren't as heavy going as they were, the balls that I need to juggle have changed a little and it seems like everything at the moment is hinged around waiting. Waiting for the references to come back to the lettings agent, waiting for them to get the tenancy agreement drawn up, waiting to get a date when I can get the keys and move in. There's still a chance that this place could fall through and if it does then I have no backup plan and nowhere to go when my tenancy ends.

I guess that I don't have the strength of faith right now to see a way through it all. I still feel a little bit like I'm being forgotten, maybe sidelined. I don't really know what to pray or how to go about it. I just feel like I'm waiting. Can waiting be a prayer in itself? Maybe not.

Father,

I am waiting

I am ready

Being severely tested

2009-06-21T17:36:00.002+01:00

Pretty much anything that can go wrong is going wrong right now. I've taken pretty much more than I know hoe to deal with right now. The whole house moving thing is still not going well. Work has a list of things for me to be dealing with a mile long. And just to top it all off m car has broken down. I dont have the money to sort all of this stuff out, I dont have the time to even try!

I'm working a seven day week this next week and as a result there's absolutely no way that I'm going to be able to find the time to deal with everything. Just to top it all off, people at work have decided that they are going to test my faith by insulting my beliefs, making ignorant comments about what they think Christianity stands for etc.

The problem is, at a time when my faith is being tested anyway, it's one more test that is going straight to my point of weakness.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

(1 Corinthians 10:13)

Well, this is the devils temptation. I am feeling weak and I do not feel like I have the strength to fight back. I feel like I am tripping out, like I am shrinking down in a black hole, getting smaller all the time. I feel like I keep turning from one side to the other, flipping my direction. I reminds me of a rave song the I love. from back in the day... It was called 'No Idea' by Earth Leakage Trip. It was really bad trip acid rave and had a lyric of 'The doors are where the windows should be. And the windows are where the doors should be... Its so confusing'

It's kind of a tenuous link, but it kind of sums up how I am feeling right now. Like it's a bad trip. In a way it feels worse than when I was unemployed and looking for a job. At least then I had a single problem to deal with and all the time in the world to deal with it. That time gave me some seriously dark days where I'm living right now and I think that is probably why I don't feel too bad about leaving here. Whilst it was a home when I moved in, it became a pit of despair for me in my darkest days. That aura is still present and I can still feel the oppression in the air. So I'm ready to move, I just can't find anywhere suitable to move to.

I could basically be waving my rent money in the air right now and there's no one stepping up to take it off me!

I can begin to feel the negativity of depression creeping in at the edges. My uncle (dad's brother) has a history of nervous breakdowns and being quite sensitive in that respect. I'm scared to admit it that I think I am developing the same tendency. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I can just sort of feel like going into a curled heap in the corner and crying in the hope that it will all go away. I know that it won;t but the fact that the impulse is there kind of worries me that I have this weakness.

The thing is, this is meant to be a prayer blog. But right now I don't really feel like praying. I feel like shouting. I've been reading a few other online blogs and forums on similar thought lines and the comment that I have seen come up time and time again, in different words are;

'If you feel the need to pray, pray. If you feel the need to shout, then shout. God knows what is in you heart and can see it for himself. Be true to yourself and be honest' - well, if thats the case...

So what happened to not burdening me with more than I can bear?

I can't cope with all this at once.

Surely you must be able to see that?

I do the right thing by other people,

allowing them to book holiday at work,

putting me at an inconvenience by having to

work a 7 day week to cover the shop.

Yes I need the money but I also need the time to sort things out.

What am I supposed to do?

If you can see what the future will be and know what choices I will make

how about enlightening me a little?

What am I meant to do?

How am I meant to do it?

All this has got me questioning exactly how strong my faith is.

So come on, I've prayed for help and not had any

What do I have to do?

I'm not asking for a free ride -

I don't want you to solve all my problems just like that,

I'm quite prepared to work for it

but how about showing me what I need to do?!

Feeling terrible - in more ways the one

2009-06-13T18:37:00.002+01:00

Ok, so I'm probably the only person who can manager to catch a cold in the middle of summer! I've got blocked ears, blocked nose and a really sore throat. So, as you can imagine, I'm not quite feeling my best right about now. Don't get me wrong, it could be far worse and I'm aware that plenty of people have to deal with illnesses far worse than the common cold. Right now that isn't really helping though.

Work isn't going according to plan either, for some reason people are just not interested in buying right now. Last month was good, very good. There are still a few people coming in but far less than last month and those who are coming in don't want to buy yet. There's interest in the merchandise but when it comes to the crunch they're all looking in respect to a future purchase.

I'm also now into the space in time where I need to be looking for somewhere else to live. My tenancy agreement comes to an end in July and I don't think there's any chance of an extension. Even if there was, I wouldn't take it unless I was desperate. Commuting is costing me a small fortune right now. Petrol, parking and wear and tear on the car. My income is pretty much at full stretch and I need to drop some costs by moving closer to work. I've really only started looking in the last few days and there's a couple of half decent leads to follow up. the first place I looked as was an absolute hell hole. Damp, peeling wallpaper and probably hadn't been modernised since the 1970's! With a little money put in it could have been so nice but as it was it was barely fit for animals let alone a human! There's somewhere else that I've seen and want to get a viewing for but I cant get hold of anyone at the weekend so I'll have to try on Monday.

With all this going on I guess there are so many things that I could pray for. The thing is, I really only want one thing;

Father, please help me to make the decisions that

will help everything to turn out for the best.

Where there are so many roads to chose,

please help me know your will

So that I may choose the path that is right and just.

Please help the team that I work with to keep a positive head

when we are struggling against targets.

Where there is turmoil, please bring peace

Where I have indecision, please bring me insight

Where I am weak, please help me know what to do to become stronger.

I ask this in Jesus name

Amen

Update, after a while...

2009-06-01T11:04:00.002+01:00

Not a huge amount going down right now to be honest. We hit 98.4% at work last month. That means a basic bonus but nothing that my bank manager is going to get excited about! However, I've also got a few days of overtime coming up as I'm on a training course for two days, then my deputy is on a course for a day. Couple of weeks alter, one of my sales guys is on a weeks holiday so I'm doing the extra hours to cover. I guess that I'll be pretty tired by the end of it but hopefully that should be just about enough money to sort things out a bit.

So, massive thanks and praise, I think that my prayers have been listened to and it looks like they're going to be answered. It's not really the answer that I was praying for, I was kind of hoping that the store would hit target. However, it is an answer that solves my problems and does not create any other issues, so it's probably a better outcome than I was looking for.

Once again, I have been given what was right and not necessarily exactly what I was asking for. Such is God's love and wisdom.

Father, thank you for putting some light at the end of the tunnel

and for making the journey to get there that little bit smoother.

I really appreciate the gifts that I have been given recently

And I can't thank you enough.

When those at work challenge me on my beliefs,

please give the right words to answer them with

an answer that you would be proud of and

that might give them some insight into your existence and wonder.

This I ask in Jesus name

Amen

Not A Good Day At Work

2009-05-22T19:09:00.002+01:00

I had my boss come down to work to visit today and it didn't go as well as expected. I know that I've had a comparatively easy time of it so far in comparison with life in my previous employer so what would have seemed like a mild inconvenience six months ago now seems much bigger and out of proportion. It kind of feels like a case of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' . It's not that there's a huge amount of things that I need to deal with but it just sort of feels personal.

My boss does not have a particularly motivation way of promoting the need for change and improvement. It's not his fault, he just seems to have an ability to make you feel guilty for no good reason. I guess I should be used to that, My old man has had the ability to make you feel like dirt for no apparent reason, for as long as I can remember. I can even remember Mum complaining about it at times too.

So I have to lick my wounds tonight and get on with it again tomorrow. There's no point in getting all obsessed about it because the changes that do need to happen are going to have to be driven and role modeled by me. Further more, if they're not sorted out then it's me that is directly accountable for the long term result. (I say long term, he's coming back to see how we're doing in two weeks!)

I don't think it helped that I've been feeling really ill all day. I think that I ate something really iffy last night. Thing is, it smelled alright when I cooked it, tasted alright when I ate it but it's done me in today alright. I've felt sick all day and really bloated. Come to think about it, I don't feel much better now either. The moral of the tale - don't eat my cooking!

Lord, I feel really drained today and physically unwell.

Please help me not to let feeling like this

cloud my ability to draw the positive from my boss's visit today.

As tomorrow dawns a new day, please help my mind

dawn a new, free of negativity and full of the strength to go forward.

I'm feeling a bit low right now so please help me find the strength to deal with it

In Jesus Name

Amen

New Pet Project

2009-05-17T21:32:00.003+01:00

Ok, so things are ticking over in most of my life in the same way as they alway have done. Work is the same old stuff, albeit a little better than before.

But that's not what this entry is about. I have started my own web site, ratherodd.org and have spent most of my free time over the last week on getting it up and running.

It's by no means finished but it's ready for visitors. As well as being a place to have some fun, I'm also using it to promote my music as well. I'm not sure what will come of putting my music more prominently on display, if anything, but it will be interesting to see. I've decided that the web site is going to focus on bizarre, unusual and disgusting things. Now all I have to do is tread the fine line between that and my religion. I'm sure at some point I'll get it wrong. It's a fine line to tread. but I want to try. After all, having my own web page is a great new adventure!

Father, please help me to realise

what is acceptable in your eyes and what is not

when I am compiling my web site

Please help me to promote your will through my personal page.

I feel like you are watching over me right now,

Like there is a hand brushing away the small obstacles

on my path that might make me stumble

So many little blessings that I want to thank you for

In Jesus Name

Amen

A prayer answered, maybe?

2009-05-12T20:48:00.002+01:00

OK, so my last couple of posts have been asking fro some help and for things to go well. Well, things have suddenly picked up at work. There are still challenges that I have to deal with - not least to sales people that I have to manage who cannot get on with each other and do nothing other than rub each other up the wrong way. Business still has the odd off day (yesterday was one of those on a spectacular level) but then today was better than average and pretty much made up for it.

Right now I have a little clear air and some recognition from my bosses and the atmosphere between us feels a little less pressured. If the store reaches it's target this month then the onus that could come from it may well pay the bills for keeping my car on the road and perhaps even cover off some of the expenses that I'm going to face when I move house some time in the next couple of months.

Father, thank you that things are going well again.

For every blessing the I receive I am truly thankful

And please help me to realise the blessings that

I receive but do not give you thanks for.

Please don't let this just be a blip.

I want the store to do well, not only for me

but for the people that I work with

who are dependent on their jobs

Anyway. Thank you.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Still not really feeling any better

2009-05-07T19:05:00.003+01:00

I've been off work today - day off. I haven't done very much really. Put a few things on ebay, finished my latest musical 'masterpiece'. So on and so forth.

Despite doing these things and generally trying to relax and forget about work, it hasn't really helped too much. I am still worried about everything today, that worried me yesterday. I haven't heard from work today, nor did I want to contact them to find out the figures, for fear of being seen to pressure them.

I can't stop everything going round in my head. The though that I may be about to loose my job over the current performance should be making the blood rise in my veins, but for some reason there is a certain resignation in my mind. As if the last experience has taken the fight from me and it is yet to return. I think that there may be some more healing of the past that I have yet to complete. I am not as strong as I though I was, or as indeed I wold like to portray myself as being. I think that my prayers are simple tonight;

Lord, where I am weak,

please give me strength,

Where I am wounded,

Please be my healing.

where things are wrong,

please help me to put them right

Father, you are my strength

my sustenance,

You are the one who can heal my hurts

and give me what I need to go forward again

I come to you and ask this in Jesus name

Amen

Feeling VERY Insecure

2009-05-05T20:34:00.002+01:00

I was off from work today. I went up to Oxford to help my grandad out with his laptop as it wasn't quite right. When I got back from that I'd only been in the house for about 5 minutes before the phone rang. It was my boss saying that he was coming to Salisbury and was taking the team out for drinks. It then when through the usual 'It's up to you if you want to come over' routing but it was a loaded choice and I'm sure it would have been noted if I wan not prepared to play for the team. As it goes, I didn't have any plans for this evening anyway so I didn't mind going over to Salisbury - and it gave me a nice run on the bike. However, the conversation was pretty work orientated, as I was expecting. It came round to the store not doing target last month buy the worst performance ever.

Then he let it slip that the manager of the Maidstone has been let go for poor performance and poor management styles. The Maidstone store opened after Salisbury so the manager had not completed anywhere near his 6 month probation. So now I am shitting some serious bricks. If that can happen to him, it can happen to me. To say that I'm feeling insecure is an understatement and I am just waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. Right at a time when I have to start thinking about looking for somewhere else to live when my tenancy expires on my current place.

So what do I do? Somehow I need to find a way to bring the subject up and get an inkling of what is likely to happen. I don't want to find myself living somewhere with a new tenancy agreement that I cant pay for. So what the hell do I do? As things stand, I an not necessarily thinking about this company as a definite long term career move but at the very least I want to give it at least a year to see what doors open because it feels like it has good potential.

Father, please keep me safe

And guide me through this minefield in front of me

if I am worrying over nothing then so be it,

But I am worried.

I do not want to find myself unemployed again

Especially as now will be even harder to find work if I needed to.

Please let things go well and this job to pan out.

Please help me to find a way to talk to my boss and to

raise these fears, so that they don;t keep eating me up inside

at a time when I need to be the best for my team

and lead by example.

In Jesus Name

Amen

A truly terrible day at work

2009-04-30T18:50:00.002+01:00

Today was awful. The worst sales day that we've had for a while, combined with the fact that it's the last day of the month and we've got no where near target. Just to top it all off some toe rag has stolen a demonstration product from display. The alarm didn't activate - I now find out that the system is incomplete an there was no way for it to active. Just to top it all off, the cctv hasn't been recording to the hard drive for the last 8 days. I didn't know that either.

The thing is, I feel that it's my fault - or more specifically, as if I didn't feel bad enough already, I'm being made to feel that it's my fault by my boss. In all honesty, I don't think that there was anything that I could have done differently to prevent it but that probably wont save my neck. It certainly doesn't do my chances of being retained after my 6 month probation is over.

I'm personally expecting to be told tat I'm having the value of the stolen item docked from my wages. There's nothing in my contract about that but somehow I just get the feeling that is what could well happen. If it does, I need to find some way of fighting it.

I jest feel really bad about it. The thing is, whoever took it probably sees it as a victimless crime, but in actuality, as well as the company being a victim, I feel like a victim. I feel the same way that I did the time that my room was broken into at university.

I know the cliche is to say 'If they'd only ask I'd have given them the money' and on this occasion, I'm certainly not going to say that - the person who took it is probably going to sell it and use the money to by drugs or alcohol. Whatever your belief about drugs, right or wrong, both they and alcohol are 'luxuries' at best and the Devils temptations at worst. So I wouldn't have given them the money instead. I do, however, wish that they feel as much guilt for their act, as I do upset and pain by them committing it. Maybe their guilt would drive them to seek forgiveness and repent of their sins and seek Jesus salvation.

Father, I know that my reaction to what has happened is not exactly

turning the other cheek

And I certainly can't really forgive right now, even though I know that's what I should do.

But I pray that you can forgive them

Moreover, I pray that they will come to you for forgiveness

for what they have done.

Please don't let the actions of another person

have an impact on my relationship with those higher than me in the company.

And please let me get on with things and not dwell on this too much.

In Jesus name,

Amen

Staring down the barrel

2009-04-26T20:29:00.002+01:00

Its been a testing few days. My car failed its MOT the other day and I've had to fork out precious money to keep it on the road. Its a catch 22 - I cant not spend the money on it. I need it to get to work to earn the money in the first place. On the other hand, I could well do without the expense. What with paying the road tax, insurance and the cost of the MOT itself as well, I'm in trouble money wise. Its on the credit card right now but there's no what that I can pay for it right now. I also have to worry about the expenses of moving house in a couple of months time.

Work isn't going fantastically either. The incentive is working well, people are certainly selling more effectively and the results are better than they ever could have been before that. However, its a serious struggle to get to target from where we are. There's another 25% to go with only 4 days to do it. Even with everyone well on board, we are now up against the difference that the credit crunch, nae full blown recession, is making to the business. I have to say that I feel a little helpless in my ability to keep it going. I can see that there is no way that the store is going to do target without some serious divine intervention. I cant let the rest of the team see that though, the confidence is pretty fragile and if I allow my doubts to show, the I will be the one who brings down the whole house of card. - Oh the fun of work-place politics!

Father, I have no idea what I am meant to be doing now,

Or how I am meant to be achieving what is before me.

If I carry on in the same way it is likely that I cannot do what I need to.

please help me to see the best way forward and to deal with those around me,

both my team and my bosses.

I think that right now, what I really need is a little divine intervention.

Please find a way to act through those I am surrounded by,

Please help me to act for the good of those who I am around.

In Jesus Name Amen

Is it wrong?

2009-04-21T19:17:00.003+01:00

I'm not sure if it's really wrong or not but I want to pray for success at work right now. There's a promotion on at the moment that means I could win up to £300 in Apple vouchers. I don't really want to win all of them, that'd be greedy. I'd quite like to win some though. The greater aim is to get the store through sales target this month and I guess that's more important to me, especially as my probation is up in a couple of months so I'll be reviewed on current performance. I can't help but feel a little insecure that the store is not yet at target. It's grown every month so far, but never actually hot the complete target.

The thing is, I feel a little unsure that I should be asking for personal gain out of such a situation. Compared with everything else that is going on in the world, me praying for success at work, from which I stand to benefit financially, just seems like greed to me.

The thing is, even if I don't really write it down here, or even say it in my prayers, it's in my heart - and that's where God looks, right? So simply by it being there Gd knows it. But is it an impure thought? I mean, so many times we pray it is for some kind of personal gain. Ultimately it's not (really) about the money, although it would be most welcome, it would really be about hitting target and getting a result that might help keep me in a job.

Father, you see what is in my heart

Both spoken and unspoken.

Please let things at work turn out for the best.

I know what I want, as I know you can see

Yet I want your will,

I do not want what is not mine to have.

As things stand at wrk,

I think I could really do with a little help

to make my efforts successful.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen

Christ is risen

2009-04-12T13:00:00.002+01:00

It's Easter Sunday and we celebrate Christ's rising from the grave and all that the Resurrection means for us. I don't feel too much different as a physical person, but as a spiritual person I feel stronger. Just as Christ appear to his followers when He rose, I feel like, in spirit, he has shown himself to me once again.

I felt drawn back to my old church in Basingstoke to celebrate today, I don;t know why. It's not like I've been part of the congregation there for a number of years. But it was the church where I was confirmed. Somehow it seemed right, as with the Easter service containing the Profession Of Faith and sprinkling of Holy Water, it seemed that it was a good place to re affirm what I believe.

Easter Sunday has long been a day with meaning for me as when Gemma and I were traveling a few years ago, I am 100% sure that, as we attended a service in a church we had never been to before, I was briefly in contact with the spirit of my mother, who had died a couple of years before. I think that maybe Easter Sunday has a certain power about it. Like maybe the heavens are just a little closer that day, or maybe Christ walks just that little bit closer to us on this day.

All I know is that prayers said in faith on Easter Sunday seem to have more resonance and more effect for me personally an it is a day that I feel drawn to celebrate.

Father, I thank you for

Jesus rising form the dead,

For everything that means for Christians all over the world,

And for those who have yet to discover Christ.

When I pray, may my prayers be true and

May I ask only for that which is your will.

Please share with others who have a weakness of faith,

Or those yet to come to you,

The joy of the Resurrection and the comfort that comes

From knowing that we are truly loved and truly saved.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Happy Easter

The true meaning of forgiveness

2009-04-10T20:44:00.002+01:00

Ok, so in the run up to easer, I have been asking for forgiveness for some of my sins and forgiving others for things that I have held against them. Some of those I have shared on here, some of them are just between me and Jesus.

The truth that I think that I have realised is that even when we ask God, or others to forgive us, what we ultimately need to forgive ourselves also.

"I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remeber your sins" (Isaiah 43:25)

"In Him [Jesus] we have redemption, through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the richness of His grace (Ephesians 1:7)

So if God forgives all those who come to him through Christ and confess their sins, seeking absolution, why do we not always forgive ourselves? One of the things that I have long sought forgiveness for, I find out by taking to the friend who I wronged, that they have long since forgotten my indiscretion and did not even recall it when I mentioned it to them. Yet, I still hold it against myself as one of the few things that I wish I could actually travel back in time and change.

And so we are with God, many times we ask for forgiveness and yet we do not really forgive ourselves. God loves us so much that he gave His only son to bring us to salvation. So we ask for forgiveness but do not really forgive our selves. God as forgotten our sins long before we have even truly forgiven ourselves and, indeed each other. Maybe we should all be a little quicker to forgive ourselves once we have asked for forgiveness from God.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9)

So we are just to forgive ourselves, as God does not hold our sins against us if we truly repent.

Father, please help me to forgive myself

Of the sins that I still hold inside

As you have forgiven me the sins that I repent,

Please help me to feel this for real and to move on

from the sins that hold me back.

Please help me not to hold sins against other people.

As I pray for forgiveness of others, please help me to forgive them in my heart,

as you forgive them in yours.

As Easter Sunday approaches, please help me to

Appreciate the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross

And what it truly means to me

And to all those who come to you through Him.

For the fact that you can save the human race,

please help me to spread the gospel of your love

and to show my love for you in a way that others

can comprehend.

This I ask in Jesus Name

Amen

Todays Forgiveness...

2009-04-04T20:15:00.002+01:00

Ok, short and to the point;

Father, today I ask for forgiveness for something that happened

about this time of year, many, years ago.

I once prayed for something that I shouldn't have been given

Yet I prayed with such force and conviction that you still answered me.

I prayed to be given a physical relationship with someone who I loved

Yet should not have been with.

And you gave me what I should not have had.

And being weak, I gave in - outside of marriage.

So, please father, forgive me for my moment of weakness.

I also want to forgive someone for the hurt that they have caused me and a close friend

And for trying to drive a wedge between us. I will not name a name

But I will put the initials N.S.

Father, you know who I mean and that is all that matters.

I want to forgive them for their actions,

Please help me to let go of the animosity that I sometimes feel towards them

And heal the hurt that makes me feel it on the first place

This I ask

In Jesus name

Amen

Does God Celebrate Easter?

2009-04-03T20:52:00.002+01:00

On the face of it, that seems a really silly question, of corse He would... But think about it; you send your only Son down to earth to save the Human race, who you love as your own image. And what does the human race do? Most of them refuse to accept their salvation and end up killing your son. How much compassion does it take to forgive that? It's not exactly the sort of thing that you'd celebrate, is it? So, maybe its the resurrection? Certainly I think that there is someone in all out lives that we would celebrate the day that the walked again. And that's it. It is the resurrection that we celebrate, the abundance of life, the forgiveness of sins.

So that is what I am going to do. Between now and Easter Sunday, I am going to pray for the forgiveness of a sin that I have yet to repent for, and in turn, forgive another for a sin against me that I have yet to forgive them for.

So, 'Does God celebrate Easter?' My though is that He celebrates that we do.

Father, as I have said above, I pray for forgiveness

Today I hold before you the way that I behaved towards my

Mother when I was a teenager.

I have said that I am sorry before, but never

Have I truly asked for forgiveness.

Whilst she is no longer alive to forgive, I ask you in her place.

Please forgive all that I have done, that I am truly sorry for.

And, father, I ask you to forgive all those who bullied me when I was at school

I will not name names, although I could place a dozen here I'm sure.

You saw them and know who they are.

Despite what they have left me with, I am ready to let go and forgive

For those who have any remorse for their actions,

Please let them feel that they are forgiven and that I bear no grudge.

Please grant me the strength to continue to heal the wounds that they have left behind.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen

The perfect day off

2009-04-02T17:57:00.003+01:00

I think that today has been pretty much my perfect day off. I had a nice lie in to start with and then did a bit of housework and got the vacuuming and sweeping out of the way. I then spent a number of hours out in the sun washing and waxing both the car and bike. After that I went out for a little drive in the sun. Just to top the day off perfectly I have a pizza in the oven and a couple of bottles of my favourite cider to wash it down with.

I didnt think about work at all, they didnt phone me or anything and the sunshine was really up lifting. The peace and quiet of the countryside with the sound of the brids, a few horses neighing in the distance and a complete feeling of escapism and of being in paradise. With the exception of buying my pizza and cider when I went out earlier, I have not spoken to another person all day. Whilst that is not my usual way, I have to say that it was exactly what I needed. I feel more relaxed after this one day off than I have after some hollidays that I've had.

I couldn't help but feel that today had a little divine intervention behind it. A day this warm and perfect as today just felt like it had to be made by God himself. Everything looked beautiful, trees, fields, even the centre of Eastleigh (which usually looks like a crap hole at the best of times!) Everything looks good with the sun shining on it. Like God himself is smiling down on the plannet.

Father, thankyou for today

Thankyou the warmth of the sun

And the feeling of being free that it gave me today

Thankyou for all the blessings that I have enjoyed today

My car, my bike and the time away from work to enjoy them

Thankyou for recharging me today,

With the challenges I face at work,

I feel like I now have some energy to take them on again

Please help me to share the feelings that I have

Experienced today with those around me

and to show that they are because of your love.

In Jesus Name

Amen

A return to creativity

2009-03-29T21:58:00.003+01:00

After a long absence from writing and producing anything of musical note, I have finally broken the drought. Over the last two days I have written and produced a new track that is completely original. I've been ticking over on remixes for the last couple of weeks, not really being very original but producing some interesting ideas. Now I am back into my creative flow, maybe there will be some more to follow? Better still, maybe I will meet someone who can sing some of the vocals for me. I must admit that it's annoying that I cannot sing any of the lyrics that I write but I guess i would rather be able to write music and lyrics than to have to sing those given to me by someone else. My creativity is my release and somewhere to channel the energies that dwell within.

Father, thank you for allowing me the gift to create music

and to be able to express myself creatively.

There are times when I have thought about trying to

write religious lyrics to with some of my music.

I'm just not sure that they'd do justice to my beliefs.

Maybe you could guide me?

The words that I woke up with in my head the other day,

Were they meant for this purpose?

I guess that they could be but I'm not sure.

Thank you for the words anyway,

And thank you for giving me my creativity back.

In Jesus Name

Amen

After A Long Time Away

2009-03-22T19:30:00.002Z

Well, I've not put a post up on here for a while. The main reason for that is that I have been working solidly this week and it has knocked me back a little bit. I've done seven days solid so that two of my staff could go on a training course. I have tomorrow off and that will be nice. I can kick back and relax for a day.

I took the bike to work today and I have to say that it was fantastic. It was almost like an early summers day. The sun was warm, a little chill on the air but not enough to make it cold and very little traffic on the road. The perfect day to own a motorbike! I just find biking so relaxing, like it blows all your cares away. I should have felt pretty much dead on my feet today, what with it being my 7th day straight, but after biking in it almost felt like a pyjama day!

However, on the more troublesome side of life, my car is in a bad way. My baby is sick and in need of a little TLC. Unfortunately TLC costs money. Money that I don't really have right now. Having been out of work for a while my finances are all over the place right now and everything is a bit hand-to-mouth. I haven't had chance to get some savings stored up for this sort of thing yet.

Father, whilst I'm pretty sure that I don't want to be asking

for help to deal with things as simple as maintaining my car.

I do feel that I should be praying for the opportunity to

Build some stability back into my life again

In a couple of months I will be needing to move house again

And before then I need to get some stability to my finances and

To my commitments.

Please grant me the presence of mind to do the best I can

With the situations that are in front of me.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Relaxation On My Day Off

2009-03-11T20:18:00.002Z

It's only going to be a short entry as I 've had a day off from work today. It was nice to be able to do very little for the day. I did the basics - vacuuming, wash the car, do the food shopping etc. And I got my usual day of treat. Old Rosie cider - the nicest cider that I have discovered to date - and, in my opinion, a real taste of freedom. Perfect for a day off. Other than that I haven't been up to too much today. Nice to have a day of doing very little.

Not that I can truly have a day off, I still logged on to see how work did in my absence. Maybe I should have a day off more often?! They did better without me than they do when I am there. As long as that pattern doesn't continue (joke).

I'd like to think that I have been listening today. There's not been too much on my mind to distract me. I can't say that I've heard anything. I'm fully expecting it to take more than a day so the previous comment is pretty much tongue in cheek.

Father, My prayers today are much the same as last night,

All I can say is that, when you feel the time is right to speak,

I am doing my best to listen.

In Jesus name

Amen

2009-03-10T20:42:00.002Z

It's been a while since I've been on here, not much has changed in all reality. Work is chugging along quite nicely. Things seem to have improved quite a lot in that respect. I think that's what I would call 'a prayer answered'. So that's everything in a nice little stable groove right now. And I guess that's where I need to be. Having been down to the bottom, I can't begin to climb straight back to the top without laying some solid foundations on which to build.

I think that maybe I need to turn my attention back to trying to find a partner again. Thing is, where do I look. I don't want someone who is morally loose. I want someone who shares my Christian values and has some self respect. You don't exactly find them getting drunk and putting themselves around in pubs and clubs. For the same reason that I don't go there, nor do they. So where do I meet them? Where do they go? How do you find someone who has the values to resist the carnal sins of society and by that very resistance, they keep away from the 'meat markets' that (male?) society has created in order to find female prey? It's a dilemma that I can't really answer. All I know is that I am getting weak. I find myself looking at women in the street that I find attractive and having thoughts that I should not be. There is nothing wrong with appreciating the attractiveness of the opposite sex, but those thoughts and observations should be respectful. I am becoming weak.

Father, please forgive me for when I am weak,

I do not really intend to be as weak as I am

Yet I am not strong enough to resist it either.

Where do I find a partner who shares the same values as I do?

Someone who brings out the best in me

Who helps me to be all I can be

Who I can help to be all that they can be

Someone who will love me without hesitation

Someone who I can love unconditionally

Can you guide me to find the right one?

I am listening, if you are ready to speak.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen

Another Month

2009-03-03T19:43:00.004Z

Ok, so here we are in March and its meant to be the start of Spring. A time of growth and new beginnings. I have the day off from work tomorrow and I might well have a bit of a clean out. It just might be nice if the weather had stayed spring like. Having used the bike a couple of times on my days off recently, I certainly won't be using it tomorrow. Its raining buckets and blowing a gale out there. I cant even light a fire tonight because the wind keeps blowing the smoke back down the chimney. It feels like winter again!

I don't really know what I should be praying for right now, I just sort of feel the need to open my mind and my heart right now. I don't know what I need to be listening for but I can't help feeling that right now I should be listening.

Father, I don't know quite what to say

I feel like I should be listening to you you right now.

Is there anything that I need to hear?

Please help me to empty my mind and allow space for your words to enter.

That's about all I can say. I hope it makes sense

In Jesus Name

Amen

A Brighter Day

2009-02-28T21:33:00.003Z

Well, work was fantastic toady. Of course, it was payday for many people this weekend and it seemed like they all came in and bought from us. Today was officially the biggest sales day that the Salisbury store has ever had. It felt like an oiled team effort too. Everyone doing something slightly different and contributing to the success of the store as a whole. The real irony is that, after todays result, if the month was 30 days instead of 28, there'd be a real chance of doing target. As it is we come up 6% short.

But, accentuate the positive etc... There's much to be thankful for, maybe I have managed to clear the air with the team and get a fresh start. But that now means that I have 5 months to achieve what I should have been aiming for in 6. Oh well, I'm still in the game to fight another round at least. I will just have to learn some new team tactics as I am going. If I cannot use the management style that I am used to I am sure that I have the skills to adapt. Right now I am just thankful to get on an even keel again.

Father, once again you have given me more than I deserve

Thankyou for helping me to find a way to get things

back into the right groove and for the little successes

every day that make life seem that much more positive.

Whilst I am sure that I am working with a team that do not believe,

Please grant us all success as a whole in what we do

Please help me to role model all that is Good and Positive about your love

In a manner that will not alienate them but will help the,

to question and find you.

In Jesus Name

Amen

2009-02-24T20:16:00.002Z

I had my boss down with me for the day at work and what I thought would be a slightly tricky day turned out to be a day that totally took the wind out of my sails. I have slowly been trying to gently coax people at work to focus in a little bit on what we need to achieve in order to e able to deliver the targets that we are about to be set. It now transpires that they have been bitching about me to my boss behind my back. There is part of me that says that I do not care, I am trying to help them and they are just resisting the inevitable but the problem is that I still have 5 months left on my probation and if they continue to moan then I won't keep the position at the end of it.

So maybe the plan of action needs to be revised a little. I think for the time being I will just have to play the team player game and bide my time. When the bonuses dry up and they see a gap in their pay packets they will come and ask my how they can make up a 25% increase in targets.

I don't feel that I have been too aggressive with what I am doing but somehow I have missed the mark with it. That irritates me greatly because all I ultimately want to achieve is a successful store and a winning team. I don't want to change any of them, or what they do. I just want them to do it as much of the time as they can.

Lord, please help me to see what I am doing wrong.

Please help me to be able to talk to my team

and to be able to do whatever is necessary

for them to feel that they can approach me

rather than going over my head to my boss.

Please help me to be able to correct what I have damaged so far

and to be able to build a successful team.

More over, please give me the vision to be able to

see what I need to be and to be able to turn my back

on the conditioning from previous jobs that is holding me back at the moment.

In Jesus Name

Looking for a Church

2009-02-21T20:53:00.002Z

Everything's going to be alright - atleast for now. Work was good today, not fantastic money but enough to keep us going towards target. More importantly it was fun and enjoyable.

Best of all when I got home I found out that I had a decent offer for my old laptop. Having got my nice shiny new Macbook I have no need for the old PC based one anymore. The person that bought it was local as it goes and they have already turned up and paid cash. They seemed like a nice person and I'm glad that I was able to sell my laptop to someone that actually needed it, rather than the previous offer that had come from a faceless company that would have probably just resold it on and ripped someone off for it.

Most importantly, It means that I now have some money that I can pay into my bank account to prevent myself from going overdrawn before I finally get paid. I'm thankful that someone is looking out for me. I hadn't realised how much stress I was putting on myself over this but now that it is lifted it feels so much better

Father, thank you for looking after me

and guiding me on path that is right for me to follow.

Can I also ask you for some help?

I need to find a church where I belong.

Something modern and contemporary but

no too evangelical and trite.

Please help me to know where to look for my spiritual home

I will look, if you can guide me, please

In Jesus Name

Amen

Thankful

2009-02-18T22:35:00.004Z

I think I can relate just a little to people who are really struggling for money right now. With changing jobs being quite a recent thing, I haven't been paid for my new employer yet. That comes at the end of the month but in the mean time I have used up all my savings. DOn't get me wrong, I'm not in a BAD way financially. But I can relate to having to decide what you buy and whether you can afford something or not. All this month my credit card has been used for everyday living, something that I would not normally do and now I have a bill bigger than I can pay in one go.

That's no drama, I have an income to pay it with - what I am driving at is that this is the worse off I have ever been and I can begin to relate to those for whom cash is an issue.

Father, I thank you for the blessings

That I have.

Although today may seem tough

tomorrow has a brighter light.

For those who have a darker day on the horizon,

please be with them and bring them your love

And help them to find a way through this

Somehow, as a society, we need to

find a way through this financial crisis

Please help us all to come together as one

and move forward with you in mind.

Turning our back on the excessive greed and

looking for a society where we all look after each other

In Jesus Name

Amen

After the Rain...

2009-02-16T20:07:00.002Z

Well, I didn't get any valentines cards from any secret admirers... I guess it's going to take longer for there to be an answer to that prayer.

Its interesting where God comes in though. I was at work today and a vicar came in from one of the little churches around the city centre. There's a few of them, mostly in little nooks and crannies, where the developers have lost the battle to tear down Churches of God and replace them with churches of consumerism. In a way I'm surprised that the Cathedral is not a little more active than it is, leaving it to the little Churches nearby to reach out.

Anyway, it was nice to have someone from the local community coming round and thinking of the retailers in a time when things are not so good. He was offering retailers the chance to be prayed for as a company or as people.I sort of felt a little like I was being called to his Chrch. I think that I need to find time to go in there somehow.

Father, thank you for finding a way to talk to me,

Thank you for finding a way of offering you Love

to the retailers and people of Salisbury.

For those who need to hear you and be with you

Please give them the strength to come to you

and find strength and comfort

In Jesus Name

Amen

Don't Just Stand There... Pray Something!

2009-02-12T20:49:00.004Z

The last few days have been kind of non events, wirk has been up and down business wise but pretty good in terms of atmosphere and morale. I think that its fair to say that everybody's feeling a bit tight money wise at the moment. Retailing luxury goods, albeit good quality ones for the high demographic market, is not a certain income in such times by any means.

The thing is, because it hasn't been one thing or the other, I havent really had much to pray about. Well, that's not true - there's always a reason to talk to God. If I am being more honnest, I havent felt motivated to do any talking becuase I dont have anything that I feel I need to say. That, I guess is a blessing in itself.

But I do have something I have to pray about. This is a long one and it requires some serious catharsis on my part before I pray. I have a story to tell here and I feel the need to tell it and to ask for healing to move on and get over it trully.

This story goes back 8 years ago now and its a long one. I'll try to keep it as short as I can without cutting off too much.

In my second year of uni my Mum died of lung cancer. I chose to move home for the third year so I could be arround for Dad. I'd have been happy to carry on away from home - my response to things is always to put my head down and pretend that it isn't happening! ANyway, while I was in the third year I took a job in a locla toyshop to help apy may way through uni. Working there I met a girl and instantly took a shine to her. We seemed to have an instant connection and she was the most amazing person that I have ever met - still is for that matter! We grew closer and in the end I got the guts together to tell her how I felt and that I wnated to be more than jsut friends. We started meeting up outside of work and going for walks etc. Not totally like a date but as more than normal firends. I discovered that they were quite hard to get close to but persevered. Eventually we ended up in a relationship but it was always a little difficult to get them to be emotionally close to me. I later found out why but that is not relevant to this.

I very quickly fell in love with them and eventually told them. Shortly after that we went travclling for three months and that was when things became a fully physical relationship. For me that cemented my love for them and in return they said that they loved me too. I was right on the edge of proposing to them, marriage was something that came up in conversation and I was more than ready to commit.

At the time it was in my prayers taht this would be Gods' will for us to work out like this. As I got to know them and I found out more about them I became a confidant for some seriously terrifying things that had happened to them in the past and had to deal with them self harming (I wish I had dealt with that so much better than I did!) and even a suicide attempt. Whilst I respected that as a confidant I had to keep a certain distance until I was invited further, in a way it made me love them even more, that this person had survived all this and was still so amazing. I was totally in love, head over heels. Anyway, after we got back from travelling we were good for a while and things were fantastic - or atleast so I thought. As it turns out, they were cheating on me. Worse still they were doing it with another woman.

I still find it hard to accept it as cheating, how can I compete with a woman? They can do things that I can't, love in a different way to me. Anyway, before to long, I was left for this woman and they came out as lesbian. It ripped me in two, I cried daily for weeks and suddenly I was the one who was self harming. I forgive them, in fact I think I forgave them as soon as it happened. We are still friends to this day, more like brother and sister than anything else. I would never change that now, having them in my life is worth having to deal with the pain of being constantly reminded of what could have been. The truth is that I could never tell them just how much they hirt me, just how much it still hurts.

It ended about 6 1/2 years ago and for atleast 3 years after I would not even look at another woman without feeling guilty. I've been on dates since but noone ever compares. The hurt is still very real and if I am being honnest I still love them completely. I'd drop everything if the opportunity ever arose. But it won't.

I need to be healed of this so that I can move on and find love again. I am pretty lonely on my own. I can cover it with work and by finding things to do but in all honnesty, I'd rather find someone to share life with.

So my prayer is this;

Father, at this time
I pray to be healed
I bear to you my heart on this page
And in person

I offer you this in all honnesty
and ask you to heal me of it
Please dont take away anyone close to me
But please take away the pain of the past with them

I am sorry for all the prayers
that I have offered
asking for this relationship to work
when it clearly was not your will

Please heal me of the hurt
and make me free to love without retraint

When the time is right
and I am ready to meet someone
please guide me
to find a parter

This I ask
With all my heart
In Jesus Name

Amen

NB - any comments of an anti Gay nature will be removed, anyone who wants to try to justify that approach based on Bible passages. go and re-read them with an open mind and you will realise that they do NOT condem homosexuality but condem loveless relationships, based on sex. And that can apply to any of us.

The end to a good week

2009-02-07T21:55:00.005Z

Well, my store did target this week. I am seriously relieved. Whilst there is less pressure in my new company to do target (much less pressure!) it is still nice to have achieved it o especially at a time when retail is suffering and people are not spending. In all honesty I think all the snow has helped us, people have felt less like going out long distances and have shopped locally and that has helped us. Anyway, I am thankful for it. If I manage to keep this rate going then maybe I can earn a bonus next month. That would be nice. Thats the future though, right now I have to be thankful for what I have right in front of me. Things are going well right now and God willing, they will continue to go well, but that is not something that I have a say over, I can only pray for Gods will to prevail and trust that it will be the right thing for me in the long run. Anyway, tomorrow is a new week and I have it all to to again.

Father, thank you for the blessings that I have received,

both over the last week and over the longer term.

I pray that you can find it in your will that things

will continue to as well as they have done recently

If I am successful with what I do and I earn a bonus,

please help me to remember that I should share my good fortune

with those who are less fortunate that I am.

But most of all, I want your will.

I do not want what is not mine to have.

I want your will, not mine

Yet in these prayers I ask that your will

sees me through the tough times with your grace

and allows me the privilege to help others around me.

I am working tomorrow

I know that Sunday is the Sabbath

But the job that I do requires that I work it

If it is the Sabbath in my heart, and I work it

In the knowledge that I am really thinking of

Jesus and your plans for me, is that really so wrong?

Please help me not to forget.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Just as a caviat, I'm forcing myself to use the Macbook that I have been given my work, by doing things on it I hop I can get used to it a bit more. In reality half the keys on the keyboard are not responsive enough so half the letters don't register the first time and secondly, the edge of it is so sharp that it has given me sore wrists from leaning on the edge of it - Apple, please, please, please make your laptops curved at the edge and soften the sensors under they keyboard! And that's that!

Looking For Love

2009-02-06T21:36:00.003Z

Ok, I've been off from work for two days so there's not been too much happening really. Its been pretty cold and snowed a bit more but it hasn't settled like on Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday the wide of my land lord knocked on my door at about 11am having locked herself out of the house so I had to let her in and let her borrow the phone to see if she could get hold of her housekeeper for a spare key. When she couldn't I volunteered to driver her over there to see if she could find her at home but she didn't seem to be. That's about as much excitement as I've had over the last couple of days.

I guess in true selfish fashion, now that my work life seems to be on the up at the moment my mind is turning to the other things that I want and do not currently have. Sure there are various frivolous consumer items on the list, I'll have to work for those - Im not about to waste Gods time praying for things that I can achieve myself in good time. There is one thing that is on my mind at the moment though.

With valentines day on the way, I'm starting to feel a little agitated that I am still single. I have been single for a number of years, after I got severely hurt by someone I loved with all my heart. It took me many years to forgive them and to heal the pain that they left me. I have been ready for a while to begin looking for someone but I never seem to move in the right circles. After all, the sort of person that I want to meet is not the sort of person that I am likely to meed in bars and clubs, so that's out. So where do you meet someone with a degree of class and morality who will conduct themselves according to Christian values? It's not like they fall from trees or just turn up, walking down the street.

Father, I thankyou for everything that you have done for me

Far more than I deserve

But the truth is that, for all that I have

I really long for someone to share it with.

Long term I want to find someone to settle down with

Get married and start a family.

What is it that I need to do? I get the feeling that there is a reason

why you have not brought someone into my life.

I pray that you will grant me ears that will hear

and the presence of mind to comprehend what you are telling me.

Where should I look? WHat should I do to be fit and ready?

I ask in Jesus Name

Amen

Snow!

2009-02-03T21:37:00.009Z

So glad that I have some of this in the cold weather!

The view from my window this morning, there's about 4 inches out there and I've got to get to work!

Again, another photo of my garden in all its snowy lovliness.

On a serious note thoug, I have had to drive through some seriously difficult conditions over the last two days, and at a time when the road has been littered with breakdowns and accidents, the Lord has kept me safe. I now have2 days off from work so I dont have to go out in it for a while!

Father, thank you for keeping me safe over the last two days

Maybe I shouldn't have really gone out

But I couldn't let my team down

So thank you for guiding me and keeping me safe.

Please do the same for the many others

Who will set foot outside over the next few days.

Now that I have a couple fo days off, please can it sone a little more?

I really want to build a snowman becuase I haven't for years!

I know that I shouldn't ask for frivilous things but

As you can see my true desires, you'd know

That I wanted it anyway

So I may as well be open about it!

In Jesus Name

Amen

Life As A Whole

2009-01-30T21:43:00.008Z

My Baby - photograph taken at my hold house (summer 2008)

I had a day off from work today. In itself that's nothing special. Especially as I have spent a coupple of months at home in the not too distant past. But it was, it was the best I can describe. Pure freedom, pure joy. The day started with some housework. I cleaned the place from end to end and that felt so good. It's not that my standards slipped when I was out of work, it was just harder to get motivated to do what needed to be done. After a couple of hours cleaning I went shopping. Nothing special, a couple of food items and some coal for the stove. How amazing it felt just to pick up what I needed without having to count the exact pennies as to whether I could afford it or not and that is such a blessing, I cant begin to describe it.

When I got back I took my bike out for a ride. My motorbike has always been what I live for, I was born to live life on two wheels. It is freedom, wind in your hair and flies in your teeth. At one with everything that is around you and feeling every little thing, magnified 10 fold. But, when you have no job, every penny you have spare goes in the car tank to get you to the interviews that could get you working again.

It was heatbreaking looking at my baby sitting on the driveway, oiling up every little nut and bolt to keep the rust away, having just enough petrol in the tank to start the engine evey now and then to keep a charge in the battery but not enough to go for a ride.

In the knowledge that I have an income, I cannot begin to describe how good it felt today to go out for a ride, just for the pleasure. I scrimped and saved to buy her in the first place and she is my baby. (yes, ok ok, its a sad thing for a man to love his motorcycle and to treat it like a person but I make no appology!) and I cannot describe how free I felt today, cold air, wind and the odd ray of winter sun. It just felt so amazing. I cannot begin to count such a blessing and how it makes me feel.

Father, I am sorry for the blessings that I have
that I do not give you enough thanks and praise for
There is so much that you have given me
That I do not deserve

Thank you so much for my previous job
that allowed me to buy my motorbike that makes me feel so free
Thank you for my job now,
that allows me to use my bike that makes me feel this free

And most of all, thank you for this freedom that I can feel
Today I felt it, I felt free - if only for a while
And with that freedom, the first thing that came to me
Is just how mcuh I owe you, and howmany thanks I have to give you.

All I pray is that I can continue to feel this way

In Jesus Name
Amen

A Time For Reflection

2009-01-29T20:06:00.003Z

I haven't been on here for a couple of days, partly because of work and partly because I haven't had that much to say. However tonight is different. I was watching the news this evening and yet more job cuts are being annoucned. God willing, I wont be going back to the dole queue myself but having only jst got free from unemployment I can completely feel for the ppor people who are being made redundant. I have a decent record and good experience, it still took 2 months of hard prayer and hard work to get me back inot work. Some of these people are going to be unemployed for far loger than that.

Father, As I count my blessings for a job that pays enough for me to live on,
Please be with those that are losing their jobs right now
Offer them strength and guidance through this tough time
And give them the drection they need to find employment.

Please grant wisdom to those who have the power to make decisions
that have an influence over the economies of the world.
At a time when there are so many choices that they could make
please guide them to make the ones that will end these troubled times
as soon as possible and allow a prolonged period of calm.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Thanks and Praise

2009-01-26T20:54:00.002Z

I survived my first day in my new store today. Actually it was pretty easy but tomorrow will be more of a challenge. I am flying solo with no mentor to turn to if it all goes a bit wrong. I think that maybe I will be ok as long as I don't get anything out of the ordinary. If I do I will just have to deal with with it.

I remember a quote I was once told, althoug I cant remember who said it right now. That quote was this;

'You chose you action because it seemed right at the time, in all likelyhood you would have never chosen any of the other options. Therefore it was the right thing to do, even if the outcome was not the right one.'

Father, please give me the foresight to choose the right path tomorrow
to be able to apply what I have learned and not to forget what I need
Please help me to be the best that I can be in what I do
And to remember true Chrsitian values as I conduct my business

Thankyou for how far I have come
in the few days that I have been learning this role
I feel so happy in this role and I hope that you want me to say here for a while.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Thankful For Surviving My First Challenge

2009-01-24T20:37:00.003Z

I've survived my 4 days intensive training for work so thats a pretty good start. I've learned a lot and probably forgotten twice as much. However, I am truly thankful not only for the opportunity but for the guidance to make it this far. Plymouth was not as bad as I had been lead to believe but was still a pretty rough place. I survived unharmed, as did my car and for that I am thankful

Father, thank you for watching over me

I appreciate what you have done

And the strength that you have given me

to be the best that I can be over the last four days

As I face the challenge of standing on my own two feet

in my new role, please give me the wisdom to do what is right

And to be humble enough to ask for the help that I need, when I need it

I feel at home with the company and the job that you have guided me to,

please give me the presence of mind and the strength not to mess this up

In Jesus Name

Amen

Open For Everyone

2009-01-23T21:03:00.002Z

I dont really have a specific prayer for today so what I am going to ask is the for everyone reading this, please say a prayer for anyone you know who is suffering right not. That could be through illness, loss or simply uncertainty. Take the time to talk to God and he will hear you, for he is a loving God and wants you to talk to him. If you ask and truly believe, the it will be given

And i will do whatever you ask in my name, So that my Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name and I will do it. (John 14:13-14)

Ask with a humble heart, say your words with faith in your heart and it will be given. I can testify to that. In the past I have asked for things that were not right to ask for, but because I asked with such passion and belief, that what I asked for was granted and it was left for me to realise that what I had asked for was not really mine to have or indeed right to ask for. So I guess what I am saying is that prayer is more powerful than any of us really realise, It is our direct line to God, and anything we ask in Jesus name is going to be listened to. It is up to us to listen to the answer that is given.

The First Day At Work

2009-01-21T20:36:00.002Z

Ok, this was my first day in a new job. It was no where near as nerve racking as I was expecting. Everyone was really friendly and I seemed to fit in really well. Tomorrow will be a more strenuous day with a lot more to learn I think but so far so good. I'm feeling a lot happier now that I'm working again - I actually earned some money today and it feels so good. I feel truly blessed right now and I can totally appreciate how others must be feeling as they are in times of uncertainty.

Father, I thank you for my blessings that I have

And for bringing me this job.

Please guide and give strength to those that are looking for work

or have just been made redundant

In these times of severe uncertainty

Please grant wisdom and insight to those

who are trying to sort out the world economies

And please do not let them fail, for the sake of all of us

In Jesus Name

Amen

Tomrrow's a new begining

2009-01-20T19:50:00.006Z

Tomorrow sees me starting my new job. It's all happened really quickly, only three days ago I was down in this deep pit of dispair with nowhere to go but down and out. I have GOd to thank for that. And now I am going on to embark on the new path that has been set out for me to follow. I've got to drive down to Plymouth tomorrow (about a 3 1/2 hour drive) and then spend 3 nights in a hotel. I'm looking forward to it actually, the four walls of my home have become something of a prison cell over the last two months and this will be like a mini break as well as training me for my new role.

God, as I embark on this new beginning
Please grant me the strength to succeed
The presence of mind to learn all that I need to learn
And to walk this path with you always in my heart
Please grant me a safe journey there and back
And keep me and my posessions safe in a strange city

Thank you so much for this blessing
Despite all my sins you have given me this
I love you so much
And I am trully thankful for this opportunity

In Jesus Name
Amen

A Prayer Answered?

2009-01-19T19:59:00.004Z

I think that maybe yesterdays prayer has been answered, God willing. There is the prospect of paid employment on the horizon. Its not 100% certain so far but its very close now. I am so relived and so thankful. Literally just in the nick of time I am saved from the downfall that was before me.

Father, I am so thankful for the opportunity that you have put in front of me
I pray that this is your will and it will last
Give me the strength to approach this job and do my best
And to remember at all times that I should conduct business
According to your will

Dad sent me some photos of a cottage that burned down in his village the other night
Can I ask you to be with the owners of that property
And give them strength to come through what is before them.

In Jesus Name

Amen

In Jesus Name

2009-01-18T23:01:00.005Z

Ok, this is my first post here, on my new prayer blog. I guess its true to say that, like so many other people, I've decided to to this in a time of need. The background to how I have come to here is not really important for the time being, just to sumarise as thatI am out of work, forced to resign from my previous job becuase someone bore a grudge against me. I have not had an income for over 2 months now and things are pretty dire. If I do not have a source of income by the end of the mont (2 weeks basically) the I will loose my house because I have no money for rent and I will ahve to satrt selling posessions simply to put food on the table.

I have applied for more jobs than I can count, attended interview for probably 10 or more by now and yet I am still un employed. The stress is getting to me and over the last few days I have found myself self harming as a way of comping with it.

Father, I believe that you would not place more on me than I can bear
Yet I now find myself at breaking point
You have shown me so many times in the past
That if I pray with sincerity in my heart
That prayer will be answered

But now I find myself praying for the most basic of things
A job to make a living
I want nothing flashy, nothing that earns me
More money than I need to live
But I am no closer to finding one

What is it that I am missing?
I am praying for this, yet I want your will as I am yours
What do I need to hear that is passing me by?
Please guide me to an answer
Please guide me to a job.

This I ask in Jesus name.
Amen